::..ardentangel..::

2011-05-12T22:06:00.000+08:00

it just seems like everything isn't what it used to be.

words fall through me
and erase me
and i'm painted black.

when all those you seem to have poured your life into,
time, love, money,
and it just all goes down.
to the hill of nothingness.

and i have to ask myself,
what was the point.

and i know it is You.

when all else fades
my soul will dance with You
where the love lasts forever.

and what goes through your mind?
when you hear the ramblings,
the noise,
the sound of machines and talk;
going on around you
in different languages.
the spice, the laughter,
the pain, the cries.
and you lie there
hardly able to open your eyes
to the world in front of you.
and the dullness of light,
movements of pain and hurt.
the gentle pressure that would not have hurt
but right now pierce your senses.
oh, the bliss of a gentle touch,
a soothing voice-
let that be mine.
of grace and love.
to a world unknown,
fierce and dark,
painful and despairing.
how i wish i could sing the songs of hope,
and maybe i shall.
to pierce that darkness and fill it with tenderness and grace.
a smile for every tear you cry.
oh let me be.

and how they say pictures can give u a thousand words,
but at the present, i cannot find one apt to say or describe how i feel.

what's the word for defining the difficulty in expressing how i feel?
i'm becoming more and more of an introvert.
and Lord, my faith is paper-thin,
my hope is dying out,
the wait just gets harder.
i am failing in everything that i do.
i don't know what else to do than to run into Your arms,
and embrace me quick.
before the hour runs dry.

the clock is ticking.

2011-02-08T00:04:00.003+08:00

Mental illness can happen to anyone of us.
We are all human beings.
What makes you think we're more worthy than them?

-Prema, Director of Nursing, IMH

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
and I can't go back.
Moods that take me and erase me
and I'm painted black.

Take this sinking boat and point it home
we've still got time
falling slowly
sing your melody
I'll sing it loud.

in the in-between,
and i'm just hanging on here with you.

looking at the in-betweens,
the dark corridors
and faces of the past.
the second hand waited for no one.
and soon,
you were gone,
a memory in my mind
with cheer and smiles that gladden my heart.
and i look at you
and ponder how much you remember.
with the glazed eyes
with so much in your heart,
perhaps
the words fight their way through
coming out defeated.
and all you can say.

the wave of the hand,
the bidst
and the kiss that whispers goodbye.
with your companion in hand
i watch u go,
and smile in my heart.
wishing a someday.

and a flip,
turnover.
and realise you're standing there beside me.

2011-01-29T02:48:00.001+08:00

Don't try to lose us cause it's right where you'll find us
Don't try to bruise us cause it's right where you bleed
Don't call me a stranger, we're your brothers and sisters
Try to refuse when it's just what you need

Here tomorrow, gone today
We're a part of the secret parade
Here tomorrow, gone today
We're a part of the secret parade

blogging also at:
http://theshoesintheshoebox.tumblr.com

feeling all out of sorts.

i need You to save me.

2011-01-17T23:43:00.002+08:00

Oh what peace, the Spirit of Jesus brings
through the trials He will carry me
One day in heaven our eyes will meet
filled with wonder
all the saints will sing

Hallelujah!
What a Saviour!
I owe everything to Him!
Hallelujah!
What a Saviour!
Hallelujah to my King!

2011-01-14T23:34:00.002+08:00

“She came out of a man’s rib,
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Nor his head to be superior.
But from the side to be equal;
Under the arm to be protected;
And next to the heart to be loved.”

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the man who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in pjs.
Who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on.
Who apologizes first even if he feels he was in the right,
because being right won’t matter if you go to bed angry.
When you tell a joke he will laugh out loud.
Who loves God more than he loves you, so he'll be loving you in the way that pleases God more than the flesh.

“A man is in love when he sees her for the first time. Again. And again."

Abi, "22's the year caron."

i don't know about that. but i wait upon You, not man.

long names, that mean nothing to me,
but all the world to that little one.
it lay breathing on plastic,
four pairs of eyes looking at it,
in shock and confusion and despair.
no words could describe what we felt.
blood, fluid, and paper.
relief, guilt and death for the two who were once one.
now,
it lies unclaimed, unwanted.
tears to hold back,
shock unspoken.
confidentiality breached for a moment.
that brief time in space,
when all around seemed to collapse.
emotions and sights, smell, that will stay for days that might not end.

if i were to lose my way,
would you find me?
if i were to run,
would you catch me?
if i were to cry,
would you hold me in your arms?
if i were to fall,
would you catch me?
if i were to lose myself,
would you stay beside me?
if i forget who i am,
would you remember who i was?
if i fall down and apart,
would you fix me?
if i went and lost myself,
would you know where to find me?

i know You would.
time and til eternity,
for You created time.

2011-01-13T23:55:00.002+08:00

how is it that such emotions are evoked?
what goes through their minds when they see us.
are we such nuisances?

and i shall take it in,
or lay them at your feet.

i just need your peace and comfort and strength right now.

the angst in me.

2011-01-12T00:54:00.003+08:00

more of You and less of me
Lord i pray that there might be
more of You and less of me

the difficult few days.
and what a struggle it is to represent You correctly.
watch the tongue lady, and the thoughts that pass through your head.

the pang that hit her heart and head
what frailty and descant mass of solid beating
couldn't there be more to it
or yet,
and yet,
they won't come.
for the guards held them back.
look upon the One who bled and died
then
and be still.
knowing amidst throbs and beating hearts
breaths and pulses through veins
He watches over.

shall i leave a smile or a grimace?
or an unturned face.
the many thoughts that run to and fro.

help me be still for a moment,

the best place to run,
is into the arms of God.
-Martin Smith

2011-01-06T00:50:00.003+08:00

how many times
have i turned away?
the number is the same as the sand on the shore.
how many times You've taken me back,
i pray You'd do it once more.

please take from me my life
when I don't have the strength to give it away to You Jesus.

new year.
and i'm walking it terribly wrong.
i need You so much more,
not anything or anyone else.

so many decisions to make already,
and i cannot make it.

the fork at the road,
i know not which to walk.
too weak,
the heart is.
too burdened,
the mind is.
and the ball of yarn sinks deeper into the water.
yarn that makes the cloak
and the winter wear for the coming storm.

how sweet to hold a newborn baby
and better and greater still,
knowing that child can live uncertain days
because He lives.

i will pray for the infant i feed and hold and touch.
overwhelmed by the surge of emotions.

desperately need time to sit and think and pray and just bask in Your presence.

the day is dimming and i'm yearning for You
let me not be satisfied til i see Your face.
every tick and every cross,
every right and wrong,
You can take it all away.

every heartbeat You hear
every cry You listen to
moves Your heart
You amaze me

swing the sword,
make war
against the inner and the unseen.
the battle wages again,
and what shall come of it?
wounded soldier,
look upon the One who won
the ultimate fight
and victory sealed.
give a smile and
.
the heart is weak
your eyes cannot see.
then let the hand of grace lead
you home.

there's no where else to run into
than into the arms of God.

i shall collapse there tonight.
day is done,
gone the sun.

2011-01-02T00:31:00.002+08:00

2nd day of the new year.
missed the 1/1/11 post.

reading the lyrics of marcus' song made me feel like writing again.
been a long time.
it steals my time and takes away the feeling of sitting there and holding the pen and guitar in hand.
and right now, i wish i could.
but my body and mind protests and urges me to slumber.

the new year has already come,
and i feel so unprepared.

Lord, what is it that You want me to learn this year?
the past year was difficult already,
what's next?
but with You,
i know it's enough.
You will carry me through.

i lift my eyes unto the One
who made me whole
who gives me life
and i bow in awe of You

You lift me up
You are my hope
let my life bring glory to Your Name

Jesus
oh Jesus
lift high the name of Jesus in this place
Jesus
You conquered the grave
overcame sin
You are my Saviour,
You are my Lord

2010-12-29T01:55:00.002+08:00

there and back again.

feels so odd. surreal. many feelings i have that i can't really articulate at the moment.

she stared out of the window, amazed at the view she saw. it was not the first time that she saw it, but still, she held her breath.
she marvelled at its Creator, and gave free rein to the thoughts and emotions she felt. but she could not fully grasp it.
this, and that.
and she felt confused.
she felt she belonged, and one with them. a strange call out to the heart, and yet, something seemed amiss.
but no answer was given despite the many questions that rang in her mind.
the wait continues.

there to China, and back.
it seemed like just a moment ago. and now, everything is back.
i don't know how to feel or what to think.
or even where do i belong.
terribly at a loss.
perhaps You might help me with it these few days,
before i face the new year that comes.

with all my hopes, fears and dreams.
this year passed too fast.
and my heart cannot take it.
and i still need a little time to recover from all that plummets and coils and seethes inside.
but You are stronger, and Your grace is enough.
so let this be enough.
knowing that You are with me.

at the cross i bow my knee
where Your blood was shed for me
there's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest praise
what can separate me now?

You tore the veil
You made a way
when You said that it is done

i know you love me

and so i cried.

2010-12-15T00:01:00.002+08:00

one by one,
the obstacles cleared.
events passed.
and she feels empty.
hollow.
and yet, full.
of many things.

the fog in her head cannot be cleared just yet.
she cannot give her heart away.

2010-12-14T23:50:00.002+08:00

and it just seems that a few hundred years have passed,
but they were just yesterday.
the feeling of being caught in between, and having lost the friends you knew,
or not knowing them, perhaps only for a brief moment in time.

clinicals this round has been rather odd;
i feel much sorrow, but i am not really able to deal with it.
yet i sense joy at the innocence of the children, and how incredibly cute they are.
once again,
stuck in that mass of emotions,
and unable to untangle myself from it.

what i need is a break from everything.
a time to unclear the mess in my head and heart.
for what is lost, i do not know.

and even as i embark on the journey to Chin on another place of self-discovery which will lead to mortification and death of the Self, by God's grace, and a transforming to His likeness, i pray.
Let it be one that is fruitful.
that i may decrease, and Christ increase.

and the few days left in the ward, let it be something that is pleasing to You.

help me, for i find myself rather incapable of helping myself any longer.
for the soul feels rather dead and in a state of hanging-in-between.
in anguish? i don't know.

and i can only look above, and find my hope and rest there.

these tears can't really fall anymore.
what ails this putrid heart?
it's not one of depressants,
but perhaps a deadening of what is happening around me.

yet, deeper it seems, i must bury it.
but i know i must lay it at the Cross.
bare, for You to see.
and i shall weep in sorrow and joy,
for You shall comfort me,
and i will find peace.

but it has yet to come.

what smiles then do i give now?
what joy shall fill my heart?
not that i speak in riddles,
nor in pretense, but it's these things
that weigh my soul down.
so lift.
lift them up.

at the cross i bow my knee.

have a very blessed Christmas to you(:

2010-11-28T23:55:00.002+08:00

My life only began when You called my name.

Lead me to Your heart.
This warrior is a child.
Inside the armour hides plenty of things.

For now, let me put all aside and study.
Just a little while more.

2010-11-20T02:59:00.002+08:00

it seemed like it all boiled down to this.
again.
once again,
and not for the last time.

she desperately sought for the peace that evaded her.
perhaps things were just now done correctly,
and still she tried.
so hard.
what a play of words, it seems.

Pooh tried to be a black rain cloud and made her laugh.
it brought her to somewhere she could escape from her thoughts and ill-feelings for awhile.
escapism. it seems such a bliss,
even for a brief moment.

it was harder to face them,
and so much easier to run away.
and sometimes, it's just so confusing to do either.
she typed a message in her phone, and never dared to send it out.
not knowing what the consequence would be.
or how silly she would seem to be.

what yearnings and longings, dreams perhaps. or nightmares.
lay them all at His feet.

we both lit the match and burned the bridge.

2010-11-03T00:14:00.002+08:00

so much that's in my head.
i wish i could burst, and cease to exist.

but i don't think i can.
gabriel bought a tube of bubble-blowing solution. and i just wished for a moment i could be taken to that place free of worries, and just play and laugh without a care. the memories of childhood. and sweet innocence at that.

the beauty of the bubble.
how it contains the myriad of colours, and yet, it's so fragile that it bursts upon the slightest touch of the skin.
so beautiful, and yet you can't hold it in your hands.
makes us all the more marvel and gaze in wonder at it.

and my heart caves in.
at what i have to do.
or not do.
at such a loss, and i don't know who to talk to.
and i don't know what else to say.
i think i've an issue with that.
do i address it.

really think there's something wrong with me?

Lord, who else can i turn to but You?
i'm really sick of it.
tired of struggling with the same old issue.
and there's more to come.

oh for grace to trust Him more.

and i need You to carry me through these right now.
it just might prove too much for me to handle.
but You never let me go through what i can't bear,
for Your grace is more than enough for me.
what on earth am i even thinking.

i see november as a very tough month ahead.
sighs.

lift your eyes, redemption draws near.

turn your eyes upon Jesus.

2010-10-29T01:08:00.002+08:00

seems like a faraway dream,
she thought.
pictures and people fly past the window beside her as she gazes outward.
it was dark, and night had already fallen.
the stars did not seem to find their way,
and clouds lightly touched the dark sky tonight,
missing the little lights that breathed their laughter.

it seemed all like a dark memory of long,
when she used to know him,
and talked all night long they did.
tears were shared,
laughter joined their hearts;
but now it seemed like they were strangers,
hardly speaking a word as they sat across each other.

it started to rain.

she started fighting battles on her own,
and lost to many, surviving but one.
the haze in her heart, the fog,
it could not be lifted.
it hung over,
threatening to kill the life that was in there.
they say the grass is always greener on the other side,
it wasn't.
everywhere,
the grass lay withered and scorched,
burnt an amber black.

the gardener hung his head in grief,
and breathed his last.
it was not meant to be, he whispers.
off he goes, away into an awakening.

how can she not run away,
and escape into a world that was not real?
it is,
so easy to run.
run and hide,
pretend. that it was all a dream,
a nightmare,
til the awakening comes.
then with it much screaming and fighting begins.

oh,
come.
and slay.
slay and bring life again.

2010-10-26T01:03:00.002+08:00

What is Sturge-Weber Syndrome?

Sturge-Weber syndrome is a neurological disorder indicated at birth by seizures accompanied by a large port-wine stain birthmark on the forehead and upper eyelid of one side of the face. The birthmark can vary in color from light pink to deep purple and is caused by an overabundance of capillaries around the trigeminal nerve just beneath the surface of the face.

Sturge-Weber syndrome is also accompanied by the loss of nerve cells and calcification of tissue in the cerebral cortex of the brain on the same side of the body as the birthmark. Neurological symptoms include seizures that begin in infancy and may worsen with age. Convulsions usually happen on the side of the body opposite the birthmark and vary in severity. There may be muscle weakness on the same side.

Some children will have developmental delays and mental retardation; most will have glaucoma (increased pressure within the eye) at birth or developing later. The increased pressure within the eye can cause the eyeball to enlarge and bulge out of its socket (buphthalmos). Sturge-Weber syndrome rarely affects other body organs.

so sad.
my heart ails, cries. for the children who suffer.
and my hair stands as i see disturbing pictures.

sighs.

2010-10-20T02:57:00.002+08:00

somehow, it feels a part of me has died again.

i wish Thy way,
but when in me myself would rise
and long for something otherwise,
then, Holy One, take sword
and spear
and slay.
-Amy Carmichael

going back to the days of old where i listened to the songs that touched my heart.
through the difficult times, and moments close to my heart.

when a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind
i'll offer you me
and you'll politely decline

and oh how hard it is to shut off, lock away memories away in a secret box,
til the time comes.

What if the wicked nature,
which is as a sea casting out
mire and dirt, rage against Thee?
There is a river,
a sweet, still, flowing river,
the streams whereof will make glad
thy heart.
And learn but in quietness and stillness
to retire to the Lord,
and wait upon Him,
in whom thou shalt feel peace
and joy,
in the midst of thy trouble
from the cruel and
vexatious spirit of the world.
-Isaac Pennington, 17th Century author

Come what may,
hold me close in Your arms.

i realise the upcoming schedule i have and i refrain from pulling my hair in angst and anxiety,
for i know who holds tomorrow.

You do, Lord.
remind me.

Oh for grace to trust Him more.

2010-10-15T01:02:00.002+08:00

Be strong and very courageous, and the Lord thy God shall certainly, as surely as He built the heavens and the earth, glorify Himself in thy weakness, and magnify his might in the midst of thy distress.
The grandeur of the arch of heaven would be spoiled if the sky were supported by a single visible column, and your faith would lose its glory if it rested on anything discernible by the carnal eye.
-Charles H. Spurgeon

let my life bring You glory,
and let me live for the audience of One,
not for the applause of men.

With this ring,
I pledge you my love,
and I promise to love you,
to cherish you,
in sickness and in health,
for richer, for poorer,
til death do us part.

2010-10-12T00:02:00.002+08:00

my heart totally was crushed.
when i saw the photos,
and the sight of the ot and the sight of the organs and raw flesh,
i feel my stomach churn,
and my heart skips a beat.

as i thought of the old lady who suffered major burns,
and surgeons were like using the "skin peeler" (look like for fruits that kind)
and peeling off her skin.
i felt sick.
never did i feel that way before.

and now seeing all the raw and gross (as in really real-life) sights and tissues,
i feel that inward cringe.

whatever happened, and caused him so much trauma and hurt?
and reduced him to a half-man?

i'm disturbed.
and i need sleep.

please grant me rest for my weary soul.

2010-10-10T05:15:00.002+08:00

Here i stand
forever in Your mighty hand
living with Your promise
written on my heart

what comfort You give me Lord.
Your word that never ever fails.
never.

i thank you for tears, that they enable me to release my stress and emotions.

"To break down the barriers i have built to guard my heart."
and you do it ever so gently,
perhaps even without my knowing.
and heal my heart from the hurts i have.

thank you.

tonight,
i faced the giant of 3103 without the stress and anxiety i would have had,
if i had not your words of comfort.

there is still the nagging doubts at the back of my mind,
but what else can i do but trust You for more grace that You will provide.
and the strength that You give me.
to last another day ahead.

thank You dearest Jesus.

i love You.

2010-10-05T23:07:00.002+08:00

i'm being pulled into a war.
and i feel my heart wrenched into so many folds.
whatever happened?

wish i could go for a run and not return.
feel the night air on my face.
what happened?

why all the bitterness and angst.
and frustration.
wish You could take me home now.

would you stay just a little,
that's enough.

2010-10-04T22:43:00.002+08:00

i need a change.
desperately.

God help me.
think i'm going nuts inside.

and i need exercise and to stop snacking.
cheers to me buying one packet of chips just now.

):

stop looking inward and start praying for the world around you.

2010-09-28T19:24:00.003+08:00

ROYCE

someone gave it to mum and it sat innocently in my fridge.
i waited til today to take a bite out of it.

and oh my.

it was so so good.
mmhmmm.

brightened my evening as i consumed it bit by bit.
ahh chocolates.
(:

2010-09-25T11:13:00.001+08:00

i am not so strong after all,
but so weak.

superlative of superlatives.

2010-09-23T14:35:00.002+08:00

i saw how you protected her;
even though she called you names, and misunderstood you.
you risked your life-jumping down from the stage and breaking her landing as she slipped and fell of the edge of the stage.
is it humanly possible?
she landed on you; but safe,
and you hurt your hand and back.
and on another occasion bruised your arm rather badly because of her attempt at trying so hard to win a goal.
you prevented her fall.

amidst all, you stood by and watched.
taking great care to make sure she was safe.
despite the numerous name-callings and misunderstandings of your intentions.
you came to her rescue time and again,
always, without fail.

and with pure intent-never to harm or hurt or violate,
but to protect.
even from yourself.

oh dear God,
does such exist?

and that You love me with an everlasting love.
one that doesn't sleep or slumber.
remind me again,
that You are enough.

snap me out of revelry and fairytale stories.

break my heart from what breaks Yours.
open my eyes to the things unseen,
look at the world in front of me that is so broken and hurt and in need of Your love.
and help me to reach out and love again and again.
to never falter or stop,
because You held that resolve to travel down Calvary's road
despite its sufferings and the ultimate separation. for that agonizing 6 hours.

ahh.
"The Christian life is not easy huh?" godma just said it just now.
I couldn't agree more.

and i'm just wishing for some company at the moment.
)):
let me be content with Yours.

2010-09-19T22:49:00.004+08:00

i couldn't control them.
almost.
they threatened to come out of the sinuses and spill upon my face.
the only excuse i could think of at that moment was, "My eyes are tired. I yawned."
thankfully no one noticed.

sudden memories of what happened in the sanctuary almost 3 years ago.
and i ran to the toilet in much shame.

and i controlled most of what i felt during the songs.
how easy it was to let it go.
but i can't.
and i was just thinking i was too tired to even cry.

discouragement; tired.
talked to dad in the car in the morning-
why is it so hard for people to put aside their time and jobs for awhile and just go for missions?
are they really that busy that they can't go for it?
and the many more unspoken matters that lie in my heart and mind.

he told me to stop my murmuring. and to pray and commit the matter to God.
stop depending on my own strength and lean on His.

theory is easy to know.
but difficult to apply.

wretched, i am.

and yet, what comfort You give:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall be comforted."

i cannot uds how u would comfort, even tho my soul is so disgusting. the filth of it.

constant jerking and waking;
not being able to sleep.
tons to do.

help me to cast my eyes upon You.
i really don't care now what you think of me.

i'll trade these ashes in for beauty
and wear forgiveness like a crown
coming to kiss the feet of mercy
i lay every burden down
at the foot of the cross

that's what i need now.
to the Cross.

2010-09-15T11:07:00.002+08:00

why do i feel so much frustration and angst right now?

i feel like i don't want to go for it. much less teach anything.
and yet, am i bound by duty and love? or one or the other?

why do i even think such thoughts? and everyday the task to love, gets so much harder.
if only.
no, but You never gave up on me.
how then, can i be with excuse and say i don't have to love?

Love is patient, love is kind. It keeps no records of wrongs.
It is not proud, it is not self-seeking.
It always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.

mayb for a fresh revelation and touch of Your love.
yet You have already showed me the greatest expression of Your love by dying for me on that Cross.

ON a hill far away,
stood an Old Rugged Cross-
the emblem of suffering and shame.

why then, soul?
do you yearn, struggle and desire for more?
still, be still.
cast your eyes upon that hill,
and look upon the One who has given His all for you.
and showed you the real meaning and expression of Love.

be content.
and know that.

His love is all you'll need.

i went through the drawer of cards and old memories. Some brought smiles and laughter, others grief and perhaps tears and moments of sighing and regret. But amidst everything, looking at all these precious memories, was the precious truth-You were there every minute and second. And You had in mind the perfect plan for me. To make me into someone who would please You, and be found beautiful in Your eyes. Not by the garments of this world, but with what You clothe me in.

and with that, You grant me much hope to face today, and finish the essay that is due tomorrow at 1700 hours with lesser thoughts of contempt and angst.

2010-09-03T00:07:00.003+08:00

wow.
time is flying!!!!
realised i said that like so many times this year.

just saw feli's comment on fb about having a surprise dinner with her fiance!
so sweet(:

jeff's getting married end of the yr,
and jacinta too on 2nd Oct.

wow wow wow.

i unabashedly announce:
i want to get married also.

Dr Hong Gu was ranting and repeatedly saying, "GET MARRIED!"
during lecture on monday. it was so funny.
and i was scribbling on bimbo's notes, "I want to get married!"
and whispering to Lay Hao the same words and she laughed at me.
oh the yearning for a hand to hold,
an embrace to laugh and cry into,
a voice to lift and worship and praise the Creator King,
a heart to share all thoughts and burdens,
a lifetime to live and to journey together in service and love the Eternal God.

sighs.
i guess it's a timely reminder to wait,even as this battle ensues even more fiercely.
wait upon the God of my universe.
the God of my life.
the God who died for me, and gave me life anew.
who else would better know whether I was to get married,
and who the other half would be, than Him?

as my oh-so-frail-and-weak-selfish heart yearns and desires,
wrestles,
i shall wait upon You Lord.
if i cannot love You and put You first in everything and give myself to You,
how can i even love someone else, and even give my all for someone else?
or so i try.

and yet the difficulty lies in the seen and the unseen.

what faith it requires,
to know You are here,
when the world around me haunts, mocks, taunts, and whispers lies to my ears.
is religion something that we all make up as humans to try to soothe the aching of a desire that there is a Higher being in control? To attribute praise and worship too, and perhaps even blame?

i will not bend to the ways and thinking of this world.
by Your grace, shall i stand.
and i stand firm upon the promises of Your word.
deeply rooted in my heart because of Your Spirit of Truth, that guides and leads me.

and now, shall i ever more rely on Grace unfailing and so undeserving,
to trust in You more-
You who bore my shame and iniquity,
and lifted me right into the Father's heart,
to find love that embraces every disgusting and wretched part of me.

and to type the assignments that are always at the frontal lobe of my brain.
(haha.)

perhaps i might journey into the Land of Rapid Eye Movements soon.

2010-08-26T00:32:00.002+08:00

i dyed dark soft brown-but it still looks black.
oh well.

i will not let my attention shift to things of this world, as much as i try.
i feel so weak and stupid and unaccomplishable of any act, save to sleep.
and even when i do,
i cannot do it with peace, but alas!
my mind is filled with many questions and concerns and doubts.

how do i do this?
how can i finish this?
how can i face this?
how do i answer this?

shut up the thoughts in my head.
in my mind, clear it all away.
i cannot think,
and i do not want to think.

true security is found in Christ, and in Him alone.
absolute surrender is giving in to Him,
and only in absolute surrender to the One who gave it all for me,
will i find rest for my weary soul.
and find all my security in Him.

people can seem to be all sorts of things-
you don't really know who to talk to,
what to talk about.
and sometimes the ones you really love, cannot see it,
and think you are non-existent.
how then, can words come out,
and soothe the writhing waves?

the endless possibilities of what's going to happen.
"the end is near."

how to be an excellent wife?
how to be a godly woman?
how to be a caring nurse and one who demonstrates the love of God with no boundaries and no limits?
only in Christ.
sounds extremely simple,
but yet it kills me a hundred times,
and i still have yet to attain to it.
but isn't it all about surrendering our rights of self,
and being a slave to Christ?
oh yes and what a joy it is to serve a Master such as Him!

For He is gracious, and loving, and shows kindness n mercy without limits.

Hallelujah! What a Saviour-
i owe everything to Him!
Hallelujah! What a Saviour!
Hallelujah to my King

Save me from myself-
the pit that i've dug.

i wish we all could live life simpler.
and with more love.

2010-08-11T00:08:00.003+08:00

whatever happened?

i think i stray,
and yet thank You for amazing grace that keeps me going thus far.
and i have questions and much to ponder about again once tonight.
maybe you will help me with them.

i feel much dread and anxiety abut school right now.

"Your yr 3 is just a continuation right? no worries. Just do your best and study. that's it."
-dad

and just standin at COOS this morn, it all felt so surreal.
like how i was there just afew years ago.
young and immature (not that i'm very mature now)
and full of energy.

perhaps i've grown tired.
or i have grown tired. weary.
of what this life brings.
and yet it reminds me of the home in glory land.
and i know,
i still must be hungry to learn, desiring more and more of God and His truth.
to love God n people more.

we become God's co-workers. God was always the gracious, all-wise, all-good initiator. We get to second His work.

To be like Him is to live for the sick and not ourselves..to consecrate our plan of life to the service of our Father in heaven as He did.

-Florence Nightingale

If there is one thing more than another that our Great Master strives to steer us, by His life as well as His gospels, it is that He considers an honour to serve the poorest and the meanest, that he will not give his crown except to those who have borne His cross-that patient courage, the fighting the good fight through life-enduring hardship is what He encourages and rewards.

-Elizabeth Torrance, nurse

5 hours of lecture straight.

conventus still on my mind.

and this heart that ails and is fallen.

and the sunday school song that cheers me up tonight:

His love is warmer than the warmest sunshine
softer than a sigh
His love is deeper than the widest ocean
wider than the sky
His love is brighter than the brightest star that shines every night above
and there is nothing in this world that can ever change His love

2010-08-10T22:53:00.002+08:00

Love.

and i'm struggling ever so much more with that word.
one word,
and yet mean a thousand and one billion things.

perfect love casts out fear.

and yet how the world and our own distorted minds destroy everything the word meant to mean.

and i'm just out of thoughts and words to say anymore.
only God never fails.

teach me to trust and to hope in You.
remind me that Your grace is more than enough.

2010-08-03T22:37:00.003+08:00

with a glimpse of an eye.

how sad it is often,
when angst and fury hold hands and come together,
to war against love and forgiveness.

and who emerges the winner?

i think perhaps a part of me died in the last 6 months or so.
which i would count a matter to rejoice.
You must increase, i must decrease.

what emotions that ran through me
as i picked my feet up to run.
the cool night air did not keep me calm,
and the irritating buzz of noise that ran ahead of me-
i could not love.

and as i ran,
i thought of why i was feeling all the emotions i felt.
i looked up and saw the stars shining.
ran to the familiar place.
but it was dark now.
took some steps and went out nearer to sea.
low tide.
and it was so nice to stand there.

the air was so still for a change.
my beating heart needed to be still.
i felt my sweat,
and wiped them off.

stared at the sky-
thinkin of when i was in a simliar moment in my memory.
and then i locked it up in time for a moment.
or rather, i'm glad to have You hold my moments in Your hands.

it always seems i have plenty to type while i'm out,
but when i'm back,
everything else doesn't come to mind.

whatever the case,
i'm just leaving it.

school is starting.
and as long as You are with me,
i'll not be afraid,
or fear.
as much as i can.

enough for now.

2010-07-19T00:26:00.002+08:00

One signature message is the Three-Fold Blessing of God for the spirit, soul and body. This encompasses salvation, health and wealth, according to Dr Cho, as the Bible promises different kinds of prosperity.

Critics say: He is rapped for being a prosperity preacher who neglects to dwell on the sinful nature of man or repentance. They find fault with his simple message that: 'God has a great future in store for you.'

Mr Osteen, true to his Nice Guy image, smilingly deflects scorn and says he never preaches about money. God wants us to be blessed with peace of mind, health and excellence, but not everyone is going to be rich, he says.

so sad to read this.
and of all places, in the newspaper. the Singapore Straits Times.

does the bible really teach about health and wealth? prospering? and how from now on, we as Christians don't have to suffer anymore?

what about denying ourselves, taking up our cross daily, and following Him?
what about counting everything (and it means everything) as loss and rubbish, compared to knowing Jesus?
what about "In this world you will have trouble,", but our Father gives us peace that the world does not bring?
what about living as aliens and strangers in this world, and not building an earthly trove of treasures and wealth?

i'm becoming more disturbed by the terms "wealth" and "prosperity".
it irks me.

the blessings we have, were not physical blessings, but more importantly spiritual ones.
Salvation,
Redemption from sins,
being Chosen by God,
receiving God's mercy and His amazing Grace.

what else is needed? what more is needed?

i do not need to add anything else to the above. it is more than enough, and the comfort and delight that I have a God who looks upon me and sees all this filth and sin, and yet accepts me, because of the precious blood of Jesus which washes me white as snow. that i might stand blameless before Him- holy and acceptable and pleasing in His sight.

help me dear Lord.

2010-07-10T00:33:00.002+08:00

what a beautiful day.

we almost missed the full rainbow. and i wished so badly for a wide screen camera that cud just capture the whole rainbow that we saw. i never saw one so beautiful and so full.

lis and i watched the sunset. and then she pointed out.
"rainbow!"
and we were so happy, admiring what was before us.
and then, it so happened that we both turned to our left,
and gasped.
it was a full semi-circle rainbow.
it was simply breath-taking.
i had never seen one that was so clear, so full and just so so beautiful.
we could see the 2 archs of it.
and the clouds were beginning to clear, so that the center arch could be seen.
and it had a reflection outside of it-a double rainbow.

and then the clouds cleared further,
and we saw the inner rainbow appearing!
my goodness.
it was simply so so amazing.
we sat there and laughed, giggled.
and desperately tried taking as many photos as we could.
but the phone cameras dont do justice.
and we sat in simple bliss,
smiles on our faces,
just watching the rainbow.

how amazing and beautiful Lord

and yet these moments that are so lovely, no matter how we try to capture them,
we can never have them again.
that's probably what makes it so special.
you can't hold on to them forever.

a sharing of dreams and laughs and giggles.
i enjoyed them so much.
thanks lis!
and thank You Lord,
nothing would have been possible without You.

sighs.

come close to me
too close for words
and still my beating heart

wishing for something more,
and yet,
i'm reminded You are more than enough.
and i will count everything as loss compared to knowing You.

and i can only depend on You,
not myself.

recounting the years-bitter, sweet, and everything.
it seemed so surreal.
and it's counting down.

what lies ahead?
i know not the future,
but i know who has it.
and that,
allays my whatever concerns i have.

be Thou my Vision
O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me
save that Thou art
Thou my best thought
by day or by night
waking or sleeping
my Presence, my Guide

2010-07-01T01:36:00.002+08:00

love Pride and Prejudice.
the movie at least.

something like that ain't going to happen.
but i shall fix my eyes on You my Lord.
though it gets really trying sometimes.

if only walks like that do exist here in Singapore,
or dresses were so pretty and easily worn.
or such chilvary and gentlemen exist.

my, what nice country it is.
i'm longing for one walk through right now.
just the grass, flowers, smell of dew and blue sky up above.

i had a glimpse of it this evening,
but it really is nothing compared to the real countryside huh.

my day-dreaming shall end.
as i look to the 40 day season which starts in a few hours time.

hello Lord,
it's me your child
and i have aplenty on my mind.
i'm just hoping You would spare me afew moments here
by my bed
as i lie to sleep
for i suffer the ridiculous.

-worm.

2010-06-28T01:51:00.003+08:00

the 5 weeks in the ward,
1 week in the OT,
1 week in CDC,
GONE.

and i suddenly feel pretty out of sorts.

with all emotions that i had in me the past 7 weeks,
still somewhere inside me.
i don't know where they have gone to.
i'm really thankful the hols are here,
and i don't have to wake so early anymore.
i thank You Jesus.

and i suddenly feel abit lost.
where do i go from here?
i know events and activities are lining up once again.
but that's not the point.

where do i go forth from where i have arrived at?

and i hear different people singing, here and there.
and i'm just so tempted to do that.
i realise i cannot be distracted from what i had planned to do.
sometimes, or most of the times,
it's the execution that is always more difficult to bring to pass.

and i must turn away from things that distract and have no eternal value,
and sit and gaze at my Master's face.
for that is enough.

reminders that You are enough.
the simple joy of knowing You,
of spending time in Your presence,
is enough.

i do not have to do more,
and yet. time and again, i am caught in that endless cycle of wanting to do more.

i feel the tug of the world on my sleeve,
in the corner of my mind.
calls and beckons.

and i turn my head,
and see the Master's faint smile.
i drop my head in shame.

how quickly i forget
the price You paid on that cross
in blood,
precious blood
bore the wrath of God

and i see myself among the scoffers

i really have nothing left to say.

and You came and gave me amazing grace.

many ponderings in my mind these past few weeks and months.
i can't seem to get them down on paper or on the screen.
perhaps they are better left unwritten.

who knows the things inside a man's heart?
only his spirit,
and the Spirit of God.
who deceives, and is deceived?

i know not the answers,
or what lies beneath this muscles and bones.
but i know it will all waste away one day.

seems like i have been waking up
only to fight with the same old stuff.
change is slow and it fills me with such doubt
come on new man where've you been?
help me wriggle from this self i'm in
and leave it like a skin upon the ground.

let me have no more excuse.

away from me!
i stand at the door and guard.
i hold up my sword,
and swing.
i will fight.
i will.
til he returns and brings me to safety.
til my lover returns.

great to finally have a break.
and what comes next,
i don't know.
but i know You will see me through.

stand by everything You said
stand by the promises You've made
when all the world is swept away
You are everything i need
You are everything i have.

capture me once again,
into Your loving embrace.

i think i need it tonight.

2010-06-17T23:14:00.002+08:00

i feel it coming soon.

soon soon soon.

6 more days.
COME ON.
BRING IT ON.

and for now,
family's best.

it really is very diff when you come back from work to an empty house, and to one when your family is back.
what a really lonely week. thank God for bringing me through.
and i'm just so thankful for family once again.

try beating these pictures.

2010-06-13T15:18:00.002+08:00

how beautiful brides are on their wedding days.
what a cool quote.
5 weeks down and 2 more weeks to go!
thank You God for having been so faithful.

i'm so thankful youth camp is over.

just awhile more.

just take me away.
i've got nothing left to say.

2010-05-25T00:17:00.002+08:00

i bloghop, skim through afew posts, and i'm just in such utter horror.

the lust of the eyes,
lust of the flesh,
and the pride of life.

and i find myself one foot in,
and another out.

i think,
isn't there more to life than dressing up and looking nice?
shopping and buying something to dress up this body that will look old and haggard in the next twenty years or so.
live life to the fullest, one might say,
but it really doesn matter in the end.
what does?

keep your eyes not on earthly things,
but on things unseen, not temporal things that perish where dust and moth will destroy.

it is a sober warning to myself, and anyone else that chances upon this.
don't store up for urself treasures on earth.
because they do not last.

i saw her blood pressure drop to a low of 56/43.
her breathing was noisy and laboured.
her heart rate climbing,
as the muscles of her heart go out of rhythm-
up and down the lines and curves danced on the black screen that reduced her life to just a few strokes.
her grandchildren gathered at her bedside,
looking on with much hesitance, and doubt in their eyes.
was it fear? or relief?
i don't know.
old age is a horror.
one i can never fully understand, or try even to grasp with my mind.
i will not try.

tell me if you were wearing a pretty frock, would it even matter?
she was not even conscious and could not open her eyes to see the loved ones around her.

when that happens, i can only sing for joy,
for i will meet my Maker soon.

would u cry with tears of sorrow?

or shriek with inaudible sounds because of fear of the unknown?

and i took a walk, a run.
i saw the old man sitting at the bench.
and i failed.
to talk to him and just share with him about You.
i'm really sorry.

teach me to live my life for You all over again.
i cannot do this on my own.
i am weak, and nothing.

You are everything.

2010-05-17T22:15:00.002+08:00

it all really seems so fast, and yet,
it has all been such a tiring few months.

i would not have made it through without Your grace.

first week of ward posting done,
this week in OT,
another 2 more wks in ward,
one wk at CDC,
and the final 2 wks in ward.

God pull me through.

it gets really lonely.

i thank You for bringing friendly staff alongside me.

i give You thanks for breath every morning.

another day,
and it's full of ups and downs.
disappointments,
again.

but Your smile makes it all beautiful.
and carries me through the day.

what more could i ask for?

2010-05-05T22:49:00.002+08:00

thank You for lovely moments at bintan.
loved it there.
wish i could stay there longer, without the insects and bites, but yea.
didn't manage to go snorkelling or see pretty fishes or pick seahorses and starfishes, but seeing some starfish crawling along the beach and the lovely clear water, was enough for now.

why do i still feel so tired?

i'm off to bed.

please dont let dreams haunt me.

safe in your arms i rest.

2010-04-30T20:41:00.002+08:00

this heart that ails.

ugh.

i feel like giving up.
i almost did.
i think i did for psych paper.

and i don't know what happens, or what will happen.
kg told me funny things. i smiled on the bus,
and i gave a heavy inward sigh.
how hard is it?
very.

why is it especially painful for me when it comes to things of this sort?
i get over it.
or think i did,
then it comes back and haunt me.
then i'm really over it,
and something else comes along and beats me in the head and stabs me right in the heart again.
and i think they're oblivious to it.

but i shall be like Mary,
who treasured things in her heart,
and in quiet trust and endurance,
persevere til that day comes.

maybe i'm really starting to let go.
all the moments spent day-dreaming,
i can only sigh and smile sadly.
hope of what's yet to be,
deep down, desperately hoping something would come true,
but i think i'll turn away,
and i'm just so afraid.
keep me going strong,
for i am so weak.

so weak.

it's going to be a long night.
many regrets,
and with one more paper to go.
so much.

think it's too much for me to handle right now.
so please come,
see me through.

2010-04-20T00:11:00.004+08:00

thank you God for bringing dad safely back.

am i lost or just less found?
on the straight or on the roundabout on the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me,
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb

speak to me
in the light of the dawn
mercy comes with the morning
i will sigh
and with all creation groan
as i wait for Hope to come for me

my picture failed to upload.
and at moments like these,
a picture says more than what i can express.

2010-04-17T01:09:00.003+08:00

i think at the end of the day,
my regret would be,

i wish i had cared more, and loved more.
it doesn't matter who what you did-right or wrong,
but if i had loved you enough,
and shared with you what God's love is like.

caught up with too many thoughts at the moment.
perhaps it would be easier to just go home right now.

depressed?

but i shall set my face as hard as stone,
and keep my eyes fixed on You.
only by Your grace and strength,
i shall walk on.

2010-04-15T00:06:00.002+08:00

Antonovsky argues that a strong sense of coherence is the key factor. Coherence, in his view, is a personal orientation that allows an individual to view the world with feelings of confidence, faith in the predictability of events, and a notion that things will most likely work out reasonably well. One achieves this sense of coherence as a result of life experiences in which one meets challenges, participates in shaping outcomes (usually satisfactory) and copes with varying degrees of stimuli. Hence, the person has the resources to cope with unexpected situations if they arise.
He also states that people who have the capability to come to terms with their unpleasant situation rather than to be overcome by it, are those who are most likely to emerge in a healthy condition.

"Medical Sociology (11th ed.)" by Cockerham

how true.

but only when i place Christ in the picture, would it then make perfect sense.
that it is only in Christ alone, that i can find my hope.
that i can say, "Come what may, i will emerge in a healthy condition. not really physically, but spiritually."

to know that my sinless Saviour died for me on Calvary,
and was raised from the dead,
rescued my soul and lifted me from shame,
took my blame, and bore the terrible wrath of God on Himself,
then i can bow my head with tears and thanksgiving and say,
"It is well with my soul."

the resources to cope with unexpected situations?
i do not have,
but my God graciously provides,
and His grace shall be more than sufficient to carry me through.

i looked up at my lecturers with much hesitance and ponderance in my head,
my friends with much indignation,
but my heart ails.
i am scared, i admit.
terrified,
of what lies in the month of may and june.
but i know my God shall be more than enough.
or as someone once put it,
"God shall be all i have."

tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
and to take Him at His word

Jesus Jesus
how i trust You
how i've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus
Precious Jesus
O for grace to trust Him more!

2010-04-13T22:54:00.003+08:00

a walk back in the drizzle in the night.
seemed a little dreary.

wearing my purple slippers,
splashing on the pavement and puddles of water.
being careful not to fall on the slippery parts.
getting my feet dirty as i feel the dirt and black stuff in between my toes.
feeling the cool wind against my face,
my hands tucked in my pockets,
and just walking on.

i thought about many things,
wished for many things.

i wondered, why i felt yucky bout getting my toes dirty with the sand and dirt.
why i avoided puddles in the road.

so i did the opposite.
splashed here and there,
didn't bother about the dirt.

and i realised,
if my feet were dirty,
i could just wash them.
why did i avoid the puddles, and felt irritated when my feet felt dirty?
so i splashed on and walked on.

do we get upset over things that can simply be 'washed away'?
like the dirt and sand on our feet,
avoiding every puddle and wayward crack possible,
only to make the journey back home sometimes an unhappy and frustrating one.
holding onto things that perhaps,
can simply be washed away when we turn the tap and wash the dust and soil on our feet with forgiveness, love, and tears.

perhaps using Dettol soap in the shower would help comfort you that it kills 99.9% bacteria and germs.

and then, you would still lie down in bed,
with your feet clean.

just a little splash.
a little dirt and sand on your feet.

something for me to ponder about tonight.

whatever happened to childlike faith and innocence?

2010-04-10T03:48:00.002+08:00

i'm excited.
and i'm prob crazy.
my first attempt to make an ice cream cake in the early hours of the morning.
and i'm excited to find out how it turns out!

smiles.

(:

strawberry shortcake (Ben and Jerry's) with Mcvites Digestive biscuits.
yum yum.

made a little mess. cleaned up.
had a little trouble getting the crumbs to crumbs, and staying down while i spread the ice cream.
i hope it turns out wonderful(:

what small joys there are in the early/late hours of the night.

sammie shared my joy for awhile(:

i'm reli happy.
i don't know why.

i hope the ice cream cake turns out reli nicely.
and dad will enjoy it before he goes to Indo on wed.
i'll miss him.

love you dad.

2010-04-07T00:59:00.004+08:00

can't sleep.

what do you do?

can't seem to be right.
get right.
or whatever.

dazing off constantly.

can't seem to focus.

full and feeling that sense of wanting to vomit everything out.
hmm.

decortication of the heart.

open the windows for a little breeze.
discontentment.
failure to wake up.

lacking the grace to waste the memories away.

needful of grace to pull through the 2 and a half more wks.

and then wad lies beyond.
seems like an awful lot of loneliness,
away even from friends in varsity.

what is it that is out there?

unable to comprehend, or apprehend.

would this friday morning be a different one?

would dread and despair bring me to my knees once again?

or failure be my friend and companion once again.

at the edge of my seat in wanting to be a little of this and that.
and what my mind is trying to put together.

neither here nor there.

to the salvation army.

what angst in your voice.

i will send you off next wed morn,
and perhaps bear tears in my eyes.

seems to me that afternoon when we had a talk;
it wasn't that long ago,
but so much had changed.

but i will miss you when you're gone for the few days.

and i think to myself terrible thoughts.
i don't want to.

if i had a car license.
or a bike.

i would.

why this sense of loss?
grief?
despair?

but i will yet put my hope and trust in You,
O Lord, my Rock.

that You would still hear from someone as wretched as i am.

You saw my mistakes
You watched my heart break
so i will be weak
unable to speak
and i will call You by name

Creator
Secret-Keeper
Best Friend
Saviour
Life-sustainer
Comforter
Healer
my Redeemer
Lord
King
Beginning
the End

I AM

away with the sniffs and wheezes and coughs.

2010-04-01T00:07:00.002+08:00

NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED. or don't watch it if u get queasy watching blood and gross stuff.
below is a video of carotid endarterectomy: an operation where you cut open the carotid artery and removing fatty plaque from the artery as it is impeding blood flow to the brain, and this might result in severe tissue damage becos of ischemia.
my tutor showed me during tutorial, and oh my.
i reaally don't want to consume foods that might cause this to happen.

2010-03-31T01:25:00.000+08:00

back at square one.
so it seems.

throught the trials
He will carry me.

2010-03-29T03:03:00.002+08:00

reading people's blogs got me thinking.
how much of a person do i really know,
and impose my own judgements on others?
does my life glorify God and how has my life reflected His nature and person?

i would say i am thoroughly ashamed for i have misrepresented You so many times.

and a phone conversation with a dear brother brought me to making more decisions and resolutions. to live a life that would be one full of prayer and worship.

in that secret place.

i remember roald dahl's mention of the witching hour. perhaps i'm passed that, which leaves me in a very pensive and thoughtful mood. or its just all the happenings of the past few months.

i do not know.

but i remember the precious moments when i spent it with You early in the morning,communing with You and then getting ready for the day. the nights spent in earnest prayer and silent speech.

they now seem surreal,
and i feel so sucked into the busy-ness of everything,
with hardly room to breathe and catch my breath.

it just keeps coming.
but it is not one of despair,
for my hope shall be in Christ alone.
who took on flesh and dwelt with us.
who gave us life abundantly.
who made it possible to live this life and look forward to a day filled with hope and mercy.
who loved me and gave Himself for me.
who adopted me and redeemed me as His child.

and despite me being the filthiest thing on earth,
my righteousness are but filthy rags!

it was for Your glory that He died,
and yet, what a wonder that You chose us first!
not by our merit, but Your perfect work.

with the sniffles and hope of a better nose and throat tmr,
i shall move to bed,
first spending a quiet moment with my Maker.
and face the day ahead tomorrow with bright cheer.

blessed assurance, Jesus is mine.
O what a foretaste of glory divine!
thought outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day [by Your word and Spirit alone].
So we fix our eyes on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, and what is unseen is eternal.
2 Cor 4-7

we fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith
-Hebrews 12

2010-03-27T03:46:00.002+08:00

sniffs and snorts.
my nose irritates me.
i feel and hear my throat wearing thin.

how do you keep alive in a world that seems to be full of dread?
what motivates you to wake up every morning and start your day?
"the hope for something better! something to look forward to!"
she says.

and i shake my head and sigh inwardly.

only Jesus.
my blessed Hope for facing the day.
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine!

only You are my Hope in facing the day,
in You, i find strength and meaning,
life abundance.
not as the world understands abundance in material sense,
but peace and joy that things of the world cannot bring
and only that which is found in Him,
and that which the eye cannot see.
unseen things of eternal value and spiritual blessings that Jesus gives.
redemption-to be called out of darkness and damnation into His marvellous light!
to be adopted as daughters and sons of the Most High King,
and the partnership of working with Him.
what a wonder!
what a mystery!

i feel defeated again,
i tried to build a better me,
shack the castle and it fell down.
and i can't learn the lesson
not to send a goldfish to the sea.

but You grant me more grace and strength to keep on,
as cliche as it may sound,
i don't care.
with everything within me,
You shall be what keeps me running.

Oh for grace to trust Him more.

2010-03-26T18:16:00.000+08:00

hahahaha.

brightened my aftrnn.

2010-03-26T00:17:00.002+08:00

i received a letter.
one which i sent last october to a friend.
i remember the words spoken,
"Oh ill go check if it's still there."
and i saw it lying on my desk just when i reached home.
i almost missed it,
for it was brown, and a little torn and tattered.
saw the sticker stuck on,
that said, 'addressee gone away'.
i did not know what to think.
but a resigning sigh and
i sat on the bed.
i thought it wouldn't matter anymore.
apparently, it really didn't.
and it did.
what ails, and what besets this frail weak heart?
at the moment i do not know.
i only can sit and think,
turn my heart over inside,
kill as much of it as possible,
and know that a broken and contrite heart is what you desire.

i'm .

but i heard encouragement today.
to press on, endure, persevere.
Jesus, You fire the gun at the start of the race,
You run alongside me,
and You stand at the finishing line cheering me on.

You are the Alpha and Omega,
the Beginning and the End,
and everything in between as well.

the author and perfector of my faith.

and right now, i need you so much.

it's to calm your trembling hand in mind
that's the beauty of romancing
i can hardly breathe while waiting
to find out what your heart is saying

i slipped the crumpled piece of tissue that had scribblings of my heart into my bible. i do not know anyone who would appreciate them right now. talk about being sentimental. i should really stop taking starbucks tissue and drawing and writing on them. it's only comforting to know that You already know what is on my heart and mind before i start writing even. and then, it's the comfort of reading what i wrote and drew because You were the focus and subject of what i wrote and drew about.

i stared at the plastic frame upon which i wrote proverbs 2 on, and wondered who would display it proudly. it seemed so. plain. i just didn't know what to think of it anymore. would people even say it was smth to look at?

i turned the paper coaster around with my fingers, playing with the circle and thinking how i got it in the first place. Coffee Club. was it readable? were the words too dark and small?

i opened the letter, and read the verses i wrote. the songs and lyrics that spoke to me about Your faithfulness and amazingness. would i ever share them?

i don't know.
a part of me dies everyday.
and yea, to deny self, take up my cross daily, and follow Him.

whoever said being a Christian was easy?
but no, our Hope is not in the situations of this world, but an eternal Hope, who is now seated at the right hand of God.

things that are seen are temporal,
but things of eternal value, cannot be seen with the naked eye.

and so, keep my eyes fixed ever on You.

beholding Your beauty
is all that i long for
to worship You Jesus
is my soul's desire
for this very heart You have shaped for Your pleasure
the purpose to lift Your Name high

2010-03-23T00:43:00.003+08:00

an excerpt from nicole's.

1 Peter 3
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Here is an excerpt from Elisabeth Elliot’s Keep a Quiet Heart (it’s long, but I promise it’s worth it)… helps us catch a better glimpse of Mary as the mother of Jesus.

Patience is the mark of true inner strength.

———
We see her sweating in the cold of the stable, putting her own life on the line, as every mother must do, in order to give life to somebody else. We see her with the tough shepherds, breathlessly telling their story of the glory of the Lord and the singing of the angel choir.

Everyone else is astonished (a word which comes from “thunderstruck”), but Mary does not join the excited babble. She is quiet, treasuring all these things, pondering them deep in her heart. We see her with the mysterious travelers from the East bringing their lavish gifts. She says nothing as they kneel before the baby she holds in her arms. We see her on the donkey again, on the roundabout journey to Egypt because her husband has been given a secret message in a dream. She does not balk, she does not argue.

We see her in the temple handing over her baby to old Simeon, to whom the Holy Spirit has revealed the child’s amazing destiny: a revelation to the heathen, glory to Israel. But to Mary he gives the far deeper message of suffering, for there is no glory that is not bought by suffering: her son will suffer–he will be a sign which men reject; she, his mother, will suffer, will be pierced to the heart.

No question or answer from her is recorded.
Again we know only her silence.

We see nothing of her for twelve years–days and nights, weeks and months, years and years of caring for the infant, the toddler, the little boy, the adolescent. There is no mention of any of that. Mary has no witness, no limelight, no special recognition of any kind. She is not Mother of the Year.

Hers is a life lived in the ordinary necessity of their poverty and their humanity, no one paying attention to her attention to Him. Whatever the level of her comprehension as to the nature of this boy, she knows He was given to her. She remembers how. She treasures all this. She ponders things in the silence of her heart. Did she share any of them with Joseph? Could she? Could he receive them? We know next to nothing of the dynamics between them. She was content to be silent before God.

I am thanking Him also that there was a pure-hearted woman prepared to receive that Child with all that motherhood would mean of daily trust, daily dependence, daily obedience. I thank Him for her silence. That spirit is not in me at all, not naturally. I want to learn what she had learned so early: the deep guarding in her heart of each event, mulling over its meaning from God, waiting in silence for His word to her.

and as i sit here, and think. ponder, mull over what is going thru my mind.
what he said of her.

i can't help but feel foolish.
whatever happened to gentleness?
patience.
quietness?

i have been pursuing again.
instead of waiting; the quiet trust i had in you the past 3 years,
or so it seemed when i mentioned it with a bestie just 3 years ago.
and i feel the sense of loss.
3 years just passed like that?

the sense of loss of intimacy, kinship, love and friendship.

and weeping feels like it wants to accompany me right now.

no, i will shut my heart to despair.
and put my hope in the Living God.
He sees, He knows, He hears.

weak and wounded sinner,
lost and left to die
raise your head for Love is passing by
and Come to Jesus
come to Jesus
come to Jesus and live

like a newborn baby
don't be afraid to crawl
and remember when we walk sometimes we fall
so fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus and live

and when the way gets lonely,
and steep and filled with pain
and when the sky is dark and pours the rain
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus and live

heard it for many a time,
and always wondered, why did they sing that song.
and i realised it speaks in every situation in life.
that Jesus gives life abundantly.
He is there in every situation.
and as i sing this,
emotions run deep.

i looked and smiled at sammie on sunday as she sat me beside me.
the both of us sat captivated for that moment.

and when the song
"Let me serve you"
came on,
our hearts were lifted.

Weeping as you weep,
laughing in your joy.

you would never know, would you?

You see each tear that fall
and hear me when i call.

and yet why is it that i fail to honour You and please You as i should everyday?
forgive me,
i pray.

before the throne of God above
i have a strong, a perfect plea.
A great High Priest whose name is Love.

and i really am in awe of You.

2010-03-22T20:06:00.003+08:00

frustration.

the amount of things i have to do and catch up on.

shrinking further into the igloo house she built.
seeming to hide from cold winds and polar bears.
unknown, what lies outside the icy shelter
were fields of green grass and flowers.
the sun shone, and no harmful thing lay beyond.

ahh.

come and fight these waves off, my gallant knight.

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

sitting at swensons at t2.
had a nutty mighty.
wishing i had coffee instead and save myself all the fats.
ughh.

2010-03-21T02:12:00.000+08:00

for me to live is Christ
and to die is gain.

i am slowly learning that.
what an infant i am!
still growing and trusting in Abba Father.

God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
God in my working
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my hoping
God in my dreaming

God in my laughing
God in my weeping

be my everything

once again,
i find new meaning to this song.

some time ago,
it held a different meaning.

now it means so much more.

as i see You here with me.
i might not feel You with my emotions, or my thoughts.
but i know You are with me in Your Word,
and Your Spirit that dwells in me.

the same power that conquered the grave lives in me

what an awesome thought to ponder and mull over.

as i find myself waiting,
asking, seeking.
i shall find You there waiting for me.

and i will fall at Your feet
and worship You.

teach me to worship You
teach me to adore You
teach me to worship You with my whole being
to forsake my sinful ways
each day to do the same
and understand Your ways
O Lord my God.

many a times,
the feeling of dread.
wanting to chance upon a moment
here with you.
and i miss it,
slumbering perhaps,
or distracted for a moment.
seeing that look in your eyes,
i catch my breath
and take a look upwards to the sky.
what beauty
and wonder!
and if only!
and again back that downward stare
wishing for a little something more.
but to be content
safe in your arms.

cause You and me
together
together
together is all we need.

as the hour passed in the night
we lay back and watch the motion picture in the sky
You were the Sun
and i was the moon.
we counted stars and chased constellations

the waves came crashing and tried to take me away
but at your word
they calmed and stilled.
what more could i ask but to stay right here
in your arms that never tire.

cause You and me
together
together
together is all we need.

2010-03-17T00:15:00.004+08:00

In Loving Memory of Koh Kee Guan
86 years old.

to you,
my dear grandfather.

you have lost much more weight, and are so much skinnier now. or since i last saw you.
not at all like this photo.

mama said you looked so handsome in your coffin this afternoon.

i remember you in many nursing homes.
i remember we sang hymns and childhood songs.
"Great us Thy faithfulness", "Heaven is a wonderful place".

and i'm just at a terrible loss for words.
perhaps i would never have been able to understand or know him.

the 2 wks before.
it just pained.
and i remb askin God to take you home.
it hurt to see you suffer and hurt.
'my clinical practice', so uncle george said.
and i remb going down from sch to see you, feed you, change your diapers.
and it was so rewarding to hear you say a "thank you", even though it wasn't very audible.

then came the more difficult days.
when you couldn't pass motion.
uncle george had to use the finger.

your bed sore healed. and i remb buying stuff for your wound.
doing the 2hourly turning.
feeding you, and you din't want.
the lactulose. and medicine mixed in with your soft and mashed food.
cleaning your face.

and i sang for you "Great is Thy faithfulness" without knowing it was your fav hymn til today.

and then came the accursed week of CA and assignments.

dad asked me to go see you.
i didn't want to.
was busy with studying and doing all else.
he told me you didn't want to eat, and asked me to feed you.
what a selfish being i am.
wretched.

and then i read the msg you had gone home.
i was. just without any description.

the question that i played with my mind,
now came to pass.
and i felt so.

i'm sorry.
it is all i can say to you,
when i saw you lying in your coffin.

but,
no more suffering,
no more shouting,
no more medication that make you feel horrible,
no more second guessing what you were trying to say,
no more nightmare,
no more pain.

i wish i could join you.

Jesus, please tell kong kong "i love you".
i never had the chance to tell you that.

we sang this today at the cremation.

his favourite hymn:

i went for a walk by the canal.
with so much thought in me.
and i still don't know how or what to do.
but You are still here.

reveal Your love to me more so at this hour,
when i just feel so down
and emotionally empty.

wishing i could just escape from here for awhile.
even for awhile.

steal my heart
take my breath
make me forget these moments ever existed.

Together

One time I dreamt an unknown land
With jungle trees and the blackest sand
Had taken us as prisoners in the night

Upon its shore we could not sleep
Instead we stayed awake to keep
Our minds off things like monsters and the like

Hour by hour we passed the time
We watched a motion picture in the sky
You were the clouds and I was the moon

You and me together
You and me together
Together is all we need

Then waves came crashing down on me
And they tried to take me out to sea
You fought them off so gallantly and won

So back again upon our shore
We really wanted nothing more
Then to hold each other 'til our arms grew tired

Then slowly like a timid flower
The sun rose up at just the hour
When we had gently slipped out of my dream

You and me together
You and me together
Together is all we need

i looked up at the stars in the sky and wish you were here with me.
i wished i could cry into your shoulders.
or just receive an embrace from you.
but no. i guess it isn't so.
until then,

2010-03-14T23:41:00.003+08:00

where my feet tread
i do not know.
but i hurry, and rush.
to where you are.
i run, scramble,
fall, scrape my knee.
but i carry on.

every root, every trunk,
every prickle in the ground,
soil on the earth,
i feel it with my toes and its sole.

cool, hard, alive.
made of the dead stuff that were once alive.
and living things that crawl and move on it.

the forest air is cool.
i look up
and breathe in the scent of it all.

at last,
i see your face.
amongst the trees.
so beautiful,
and i stop.

but i fail to see you again.
and you're moving on.

i hurry, i run, and i scramble.
when i fall,
i get up again.

if i could lie in a field
covered with your flowers
smelling of roses and lilies
embracing the beauty of you
without the noise and thoughts
soaking in the beauty of you

argh.

what a tough long wkend.

and i feel all out of sorts.
a mad crazy 2 weeks tt passed. followed by this crazy wkend.

but the song goes:

what a friend we have in Jesus
all our sins and griefs to bear
what a priviledge to carry
everything to God in prayer!

thank u God for loving me despite all my yuckiness.

and i look at the people around me,
and i feel sad.

lesser ppl who do share their minds openly.
share it with less criticism, and less preconceived ideas.

and those whom u love, u see them strayin away.
perhaps in ways that i shuldn judge.
but how do i not?
help me, dearest Lord,
to pray more, and worry less.
pray more and backtalk less.
pray more and to turn every thought into praise or prayer.

exuberant praise.
that s one ting i need to learn.

i'll praise You in the storm
i will lift my hands
You are who You are
no matter where i am
and every tear i cry
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
though my heart was torn
i'll praise You in the storm

brings to my mind
a dance 2 years back.
where i first danced my very first ballet-contemp dance.
and i was just so amazed n enthralled by the beauty of it.
the song, the lyrics, the movements.
actions that speak louder than words.

how can i not ponder and dream of?

when i fall,
You pick me up.
and embrace me with Your arms of love.

2010-03-12T01:50:00.002+08:00

finally.
over.

can't believe all that had happened.

and i believe i'm made stronger by Your grace and power.
thank You so much.

2010-03-05T22:51:00.002+08:00

food for thought:

Because I am a follower of Christ, I trust in the Bible as the word of God.1 The
Bible is a foundational resource for my thinking about language.

Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead by issuing a verbal command: “Lazarus,
come out” ( John 11:43). Jesus’ words have power. The future resurrection of
the body will take place through the power of Jesus’ words: “. . . for an hour is
coming when all who are in the tombs will hear his [ Jesus’] voice and come out,
those who have done good to the resurrection of life, and those who have done
evil to the resurrection of judgment” ( John 5:28–29).

At the last judgment people will be judged according to their words:
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word
they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be
condemned (Matt. 12:36–37).

And how can we escape condemnation? The answer to condemnation is found
in the gospel, the good news concerning what Christ has done to save us. That
good news is a verbal message. Through this message, given in language, people
come to believe in Christ and to receive God’s salvation:
For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to
everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness
of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous
shall live by faith” (Rom. 1:16–17).

2010-03-05T05:21:00.003+08:00

just had a bath.
felt so yucky and smelly.

feeling better,
and a bit mad.
who bathes at 5.21am in the morning.

time flies and is flying.

fleeting, you are!

ok.

back to microb.

2010-03-05T04:04:00.003+08:00

i mourn over the depravity of our souls.
and over dear friends.

how else can i put it?

i can't.

maybe it's the early hours.

speak to me in the light of the dawn,
mercy comes with the morning
i will sigh and with all creation groan
as i wait for Hope to come for me

do they sigh and groan and wait earnestly for Hope to come?
or are they enjoying life too much here?

The Mission

There's a call going out
Across the land in every nation
A call to those who swear allegiance to the cross of Christ
A call to true humility, to live our live responsibly
To deepen our devotion to the cross at any price

Let us then be sober, moving only in the Spirit
As aliens and strangers in a hostile foreign land
The message we're proclaiming is repentance and forgiveness
The offer of salvation to a dying race of man

Chorus:
To love the Lord our God
Is the heartbeat of our mission
The spring from which our service overflows
Across the street
Or around the world
The mission's still the same
Proclaim and live the Truth
In Jesus' name

As a candle is consumed by the passion of the flame
Spilling light unsparingly throughout a darkened room
Let us burn to know Him deeper
Then our service flaming bright
Will radiate his passions
And blaze with holy light

2010-03-05T03:15:00.002+08:00

i want to lose weight.
my face and everything else.

feeling so fat and ugly.

why do i measure myself again and again to the world's standard of beauty?

it's so sickening.
comparing here and there gets nowhere.

so angsty.
so pimply.

argh.

i can only find myself in You.

wishing you were somehow here
wishing that i always knew
frightening it seems,
helpless i feel
yet it's all for the yet-to-be

somewhere out there
beneath the pale moonlight
someone's thinking of me
and loving me tonight.

i'm only holding on because You are holding on to me.

wishing i could fall sick and just lie in bed.
don't have to eat.
don't have to do anything.

studying all the different illnesses makes me feel conflicted.

You are amazing.

take me to that place
to that secret place
where i can be with You
You can make me like You
wrap me in Your arms

O the power of the Cross
Christ became sin for us
took the blame
bore the wrath
we stand forgiven at the Cross.

2010-02-26T02:17:00.003+08:00

Have mercy upon me, O God,
according to Your lovingkindness;
according to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against You, You only, have I sinned,
and done this evil in Your sight-
that You may be found just when You speak,
and blameless when You judge.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalm 51: 1,2,10

up to the brim.
keep me from falling.
i know You will.
and You can.

for when i am weak, then i am strong.
for it is the power of Christ that strengthens me.

2010-02-21T23:40:00.002+08:00

the run was so wonderful.

i looked up at the night sky and it was just so amazing.
you reminded me of the wonder of your love, your awesome works, and what a great God you are.

i saw the dark sky, lit by the lights of your hands. the stars shone and twinkled so brightly. saw Orion's belt. if that's the one with 3 atars in a row.
saw the moon hidden half by the sky, or showing half of its fullness.
it really was so visibly lit up.

and i remembered You loved me.
and it was all i needed.
all i ever have in this life to have and to hold, and carry on til the day i see You in Heaven.

if only i could cut out a piece of sky and show it to you
or keep it close to my heart
that whenever i am down or weary,
i could take it out and look at it
and remember
You showed me the beauty of the night sky.

if only i could walk down and admire them with you every night
holding your hand in mine
where we would walk and talk and sing
melodious hymns of the Saviour we love
and enjoy the beauty of the night sky.

and i remember,
i do have it close to my heart,
with you in me
at every step of the way.
with you right in my heart,
the Spirit singing and testifying of the Saviour's love,
your hand holding my entire world.
and i lay still in the beauty of the night sky.

sammie! don't know if this poem/song would lighten your heart!
love you dear!

2010-02-21T00:16:00.002+08:00

C.S. Lewis Song

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

at a loss of my ownself.
not knowing what to do.
facing plenty of disappointments-with people and myself.
and yet what can i do?

but turn my eyes to You,
beg You for mercy and more grace to live a life that pleases You,
and glorifies Your name.

and You whisper in my ear, "I love you."
always, now and forever.

what amazing love, and amazing grace!

i could live a lifetime with You
and then do it all again.

and like i can't force the sun to rise
or hasten summer's start,
neither should i rush my way into your heart.

i shall wait.
wait upon You.
and wait for you.
if you are to come.
and walk me down the aisle.

You, my first love,
alas!
may it never be that i would turn away from You!

You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride;
You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes,
With a single strand of your necklace.
"How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
And the fragrance of your oils
Than all kinds of spices!"
-bridegroom
Song of songs 4:9,10

2010-02-17T00:20:00.002+08:00

my little nephew and niece.

soo cute.

my cousin married an Aussie.
the kids are soo lovely.
the girl is a year and a half, Isabella, and the boy 8 months old, Georgia.
(:

i neeed to studdy.
):
these few days are flying too fast, and i've learnt so much, and yet accomplished little. realisation hits, and perhaps i drown myself in new year goodies and watching meaningless shows.

God.
i'm sorry.

2010-02-14T02:32:00.002+08:00

You deserve it all
You deserve it all
everything i have

seeing kong kong in that manner-
the pain and weariness and everything unpleasant etched on his face;
his mouth curved in such a displeasing and brows so furrowed.
what sorrow, or hurt, or pain does he feel?

i can only second guess.
and i pray that You would take him away to be with You.
away from all the suffering, pain and frustrations this world has.

helplessness,and not being able to understand him.
i can't find anything to put into words the feeling.

i can only stand by your bed, hold and stroke your hand, pray and hope i'm helping you feel better.

i sang, but i don't know if you understood what i said.

and now, i just thought of the moments when i was in indo, and dear qiwen was sick and feeling so uncomfortable.
i could only sing, pray, cry, and wipe her face, let her rest on my shoulder, provide her some form of comfort.
humans are such helpless pathetic wretched beings.

how could i withhold the gospel from her then?
it seemed like You failed at that point of time.
but i know You didn't.
and You preserved her.
then show me,
please.
who am i then to make such a claim?

and i think how a wretch i was this afternoon.
making stupid remarks and showing such an ugly side of me.
sorry.

i think.
about marriage, and family, and the life ahead.
i cannot see.

there's distance in the air
and i cannot make it leave
i wave my arms all about me
and blow with all my might
i cannot sense You close
but i know You're always near
and the comfort of You near is what i long for

when i survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of glory died
all the vain things that charm me most
i sacrifice them to His blood

it was no secret that You love me
i was the joy that placed before Your eyes

You deserve it all
You deserve it all

lying in bed, at this unearthly hour,

dear Lord,
i pray that You be with him and strengthen him. Give him the words to say as he shares about You and Your precious truth. i pray that Holy Spirit you would guide him and give him the words to say, that he would glorify Your name. i pray that you remove the blindness of his friend, and help his friend to understand the gospel, and its saving power that the death on the Cross bringsand resurrection power. i pray that the seeds sown would tkae root, and that God, You would water it and let it grow. i pray against the works of the evil one who will try to steal, kill and destroy. but You O Lord are more powerful, and i pray that Your will be done in his friend's life, and You be glorifed above all.
thank You for choosing people like us to be Your instruments.
may all glory go to You and You alone!
in Jesus' most wonderful name,
amen!

blessed cny and valentine's.

i daren't say "i love You".

Jesus, help me to love You more everyday.

2010-02-12T01:43:00.002+08:00

it was such a funny time in the room.
rachel and i had some bonding.
thank God for that.

get rid of all anger.

i'm learning that.
to put aside all these.
and love like Jesus loves.

so trying but it's all for You.

save me once again,
from myself.

people won't know how much you know until they know how much you care.

field trip to NKF was so meaningful and eventful.
and once again, i'm challenged.
will i be the best nurse i can be,
putting others before myself,
patient's comfort, safety and interests above all else?

i can only do that if Christ is first in my life.
and everything else will fall into place.
Love God,
and love others.

not self-esteem,
but Christ-esteem.
not who i am,
but what You've done.

and they sang this at John's wedding.
i controlled my tears.
because it just awes and humbles me,
reminds me that a God like You would step into time and love someone like me.
indeed,
it is all for Your glory.

i praise You God.

2010-02-10T00:43:00.002+08:00

keep me alive.
i feel so tired out.

and mum and dad seem to be constantly unhappy with me.
school sucks.
because i can't catch up.
and i don't seem to be evangelising enough.
and mayb im pms-ing.

but Lord, You make it all worth while.
only You bring meaning to life.

2010-02-08T00:01:00.003+08:00

alot of things i (and a lot of girls like danitza and sammie) want to do on our wedding day:

1. sing songs to our spouses n mk each other cry tears of joy
2. dance and have fun at our wedding.
3. do things you'll nv do in your entire life like yell and run down the aisle in your wedding gown and sport shoes.
4. lead worship together for our wedding.
5. not get everyone to sit for so long.
6. be spontaneous and get married in a not-usual-normal way.
7. i currently cannot think of anymore because i have tut work on my mind.
BUT MORE MAD IDEAS, CURRENTLY TAG.
heh.

i feel mad.
and i feel like getting married.
i want to.

but i shall leave that in your hands dearest God, Lord, Jesus.
because You are the author and perfector of my faith and You are my Creator.
not me.
(:

smiles.

that's what happens if you have two weddings on a weekend-saturday and sunday.

sammieeeee:
this song is dedicated to you!!!
haha even though you linked me to this song.
heh.

until God shows you who's made for you,
i'll sing this song for you!
loads of love. hugs!

I Will Be Here(Steven Curtis Chapman)

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here.

so sweeeeet.
i thank God i'm a girl when at times i feel like saying stuff like that.
and i'm entitled to.
haha.
feel so silly laughing to myself.
indeed, i pray for my husband-to-be, that he may love Jesus til the point of death,
and love His word, living and breathing in the gospel.
that we may both walk worthy of the gospel, and the hope of our calling.
today's sermon at adam road presbytarian was so good.
a life of holiness.

the christian life: simply to live a life that pleases God and is holy and separate to Him.
Holiness is our status, and yet it is a process we go through til the day we meet Jesus in Heaven.

help me to grasp that.

thank You Jesus for making life worth the living!
and for evry moment, from life, to death, beyond death,
i'm so so thankful for the cross.

Oh, to see the dawn
Of the darkest day:
Christ on the road to Calvary.
Tried by sinful men,
Torn and beaten, then
Nailed to a cross of wood.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Christ became sin for us;
Took the blame, bore the wrath—
We stand forgiven at the cross.

Oh, to see the pain
Written on Your face,
Bearing the awesome weight of sin.
Ev'ry bitter thought,
Ev'ry evil deed
Crowning Your bloodstained brow.

Now the daylight flees;
Now the ground beneath
Quakes as its Maker bows His head.
Curtain torn in two,
Dead are raised to life;
"Finished!" the vict'ry cry.

Oh, to see my name
Written in the wounds,
For through Your suffering I am free.
Death is crushed to death;
Life is mine to live,
Won through Your selfless love.

This, the pow'r of the cross:
Son of God—slain for us.
What a love! What a cost!
We stand forgiven at the cross.

help me to live the coming week for You.
it's so difficult.

2010-02-06T02:31:00.002+08:00

it speaks so much to me now.

ask me what's on my mind.

Lord, oh for grace to trust You more,
and to last me for a lifetime.

let the tears wash away my pride and keep me broken before You.

2010-02-05T01:22:00.002+08:00

tired.

just finished listening to Influenza lec that i missed in wk 2.
now its alr wk 4!
i can't believe it.

so fast so fast.

visited gong gong today.
and it was just so heart-wrenching.
seeing the bed sore. skin tear. and how helpless he was. and uncle george feeling abit low as well.
ugh.
wish i could do more.
and then it just comes in the need for prayer.
pray more.
God loves him so much more than i do.
and can do so much more.
i'm only human.
i shall trust.
and pray.
and do whatever i can.
going to drop by tmr aftr sch.
stupid sch. don't like all the assignments tt are coming up. they suck terribly.
i shan't get angry.
sighs.

You gave me hope
You showed me grace
at the cross

and this is grace: an invitation to be beautiful.

redemption calls out the best of who we are.
and yet, even this best is like filthy rags before You,
because You are of infinite value,
and to describe You with our human words are but an insult to You.
our created words cannot describe the Creator.
its just impossible.
You are leagues and leagues above us.

help me to trust You,
and to live a life that pleases You.
it's getting tougher every day.
and i feel like giving up.

Be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me
save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
waking or sleeping
Thy presence my guide.

embrace sleep. and there's still so much to do.

but i look to You Jesus.

2010-02-02T22:56:00.002+08:00

time is flying time is flying time is flying.

and i'm so not pleased.

feels like tearing my hair out.
so much to do.
and i don't know if i should take this project on.

ginny's 21st is coming.
exciting.
but i dont feel excited for mine.

i feel lost.
suddenly.

and imagine me saying that spastically.
i really do feel that way.

hmm.
i think i can't keep up with the to-do-list.
i can never.
not without God's grace.
it's a miracle i'm awake every day.
and i can live and breathe.

okay. enough time wasted.
to Ephesians!

i'm getting weirder and more forlorn thoughts by the day.

2010-01-31T02:31:00.002+08:00

help me to live for You.

felt like fainting abit today.
wonder how its is like. should be qt exciting i think.

how can i possibly have so many things on mind, and not know what to do. but feel phased out, and feel like there's nothing to do?

and want to speak out so much more, but im hindered by selfish Self.
argh.
crucify. kill the flesh.
to put to death in utter destruction.
even with intense pain.

that s the greek meaning of crucify.

i need a fresh revelation on that.
wake me up from this.
and at the same time, grant me rest.

. I Will Glory In My Redeemer
I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness

I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace

I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle's wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I'll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold

Your face forever to behold.

i think mum thinks i have suitors.
what a joke.
i shake my head and laugh in derison.
but i thank You for preserving me from all that nonsense for good reason. i have too much to handle now.

perhaps.
perhaps.

she looks at the night sky, and admires the moon that lit the sky.

"I am the moon with no light of my own.
still You have made me to shine.
and as i glow in this cold dark night,
You know i cannot be a light unless i turn my face
to You."

a sigh and a kiss from the night air.

let me run away with You.
kidnap me.
take me away.

i've got nothing left to say.

2010-01-29T02:42:00.002+08:00

how high and how wide
how deep and how long
how sweet and how strong is your love
how lavish your grace
how faithful your ways
how great is your love
O Lord

this song takes on a whole new meaning as i study ephesians.

and i'm brought to my knees.

i need to pray like never before.
to see the world through your eyes.
and cry out for mercy.

and cry i did.
but for the dumbest reason ever.
because of a needle poking into my face.
i never knew it could be so painful.
and how i imagined,
if i had to suffer the agony of it,
a hundred times over,
and be asked to recant my trust and belief in my Saviour and Lord.
would i say a resounding,
"I am a Christian!"
or what happens if i fail to do so,
keeps me in fear and trembling.

but i trust not in myself,
but in Him who says that He who began a good work will carry it on to completion.

but take for granted His grace,
i cannot.
and i tried, to speak forth this glorious truth today.
think i failed terribly.
but Lord, u work in the heart and mind of my friend.

i am undone.

countless thoughts of failings and what-ifs and wishings of fleeting beings.
who shall save me from this wretched body, mind and soul?
only You.
kill me, i pray.
that i might know you and live according to Your ways.
not mine,
for they are disgustingly filthy.
put to death the things of the flesh.
Christ increase, and i decrease.

i want a husband.
but i leave in Your hands, God.
not my will, but Yours be done.
and if the calling is to one of celibacy,
i embrace it with joy.
for what more can i ask, that i be pure for You in both body and spirit?
as Paul said in corinthians.
to be wholeheartedly in service for you,
and concerned about Your things.

keep my eyes fixed upon You.
on the cross.

be Thou my vision O Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me
save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
waking or sleeping Thy presence my guide

heart of my own heart
whatever befall
Still be my Vision O Ruler of all

2010-01-22T02:22:00.001+08:00

adora, i hope you don't mind.
i took this from her blog:

I still cannot shake it off.

Under the running water,

I let the water flow down from top to toe,

in hope that it can erase and wash away my thoughts and feelings.

That feeling comes again,

I try to block it out.

But will they understand me?

Will anyone on earth understand?

Is it really true only the one in Heaven will know?

That’s quite sad isn’t it.

Yet glad in a way.

It makes me walk by faith.

still, sometimes it seems I walk this road alone.

With no one to hold but His hands.

I wish and pray He’ll communicate to me like to others.

Speaking in verbal words,

speaking to me in such a way that I know that I know,

deep inside me, it’s all from Him and no other.

I surrender all to You,

take me deeper into a more intimate relationship with you.

and here’s our love song,

I know you’re smiling.

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you.

You fill my heart with gladness,

take away all my sadness.

You ease my troubles that’s what you do.

For the morning sun in all it’s glory,

Greets the day with hope and comfort too.

You fill my life with laughter

And somehow you make it better.

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.

There’s a love that’s divine,

And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun.

And at the end of the day,

We should give thanks and pray,

To the one, to the one.

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you.

Fill my heart with gladness,

Take away all my sadness.

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.

There’s a love that’s divine.

And it’s yours and it’s mine like the sun.

And at the end of the day,

We should give thanks and pray

To the one, to the one.

And have I told you lately that I love you?

Have I told you there’s no one else above you.

You fill my heart with gladness.

Take away all my sadness,

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.

Take away all my sadness,

Fill my life with gladness,

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.

Take away all my sadness,

Fill my life with gladness,

Ease my troubles that’s what you do.”

somehow, this song brings tears to my eyes right now.
because Jesus, i can never love You enough.

and why You love me, and how You loved me,
just overwhelms me.

2010-01-22T01:53:00.002+08:00

i escaped for awhile.
into the world of resident evil.
what a stupid silly thing to do.

it did not help anything.

now perhaps i know why i was more upset and emotional than usual.
stupid blood came just now.
i'm a nurse and i can't be more crude.
but my uterus lining is shedding.

jazreel would snigger.

sighs.

no wonder facial seemed so much more painful than usual today.
reli felt like just giving up.
in everything.

and i do not know what i'm doing once again.
all i wish i could do was fall at Your feet and just cry.

Oh You Bring
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now Im alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You Im found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus Youre everything I need

Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

All honour
All glory
All praise to You

i'm not going school tmr.
feel so naughty.
feel like the most wretched being on earth.

so unworthy.

ughh.
i cannot put things into words anymore.

i need

Jesus, please don't pass me by.

only You can

2010-01-21T00:53:00.001+08:00

God did not ordain the cross of Christ or create the lake of fire3 in order to communicate the insignificance of belittling his glory. The death of the Son of God and the damnation of unrepentant human beings are the loudest shouts under heaven that God is infinitely holy, and sin is infinitely offensive, and wrath is infinitely just, and grace is infinitely precious, and our brief life—and the life of every person in your church and in your community—leads to everlasting joy or everlasting suffering. If our preaching does not carry the weight of these things to our people, what will? Veggie Tales? Radio? Television? Discussion groups? Emergent conversations?

God planned for his Son to be crucified (Revelation 13:8; 2 Timothy 1:9) and for hell to be terrible (Matthew 25:41) so that we would have the clearest witnesses possible to what is at stake when we preach. What gives preaching its seriousness is that the mantle of the preacher is soaked with the blood of Jesus and singed with fire of hell. That’s the mantle that turns mere talkers into preachers. Yet tragically some of the most prominent evangelical voices today diminish the horror of the cross and the horror of hell—the one stripped of its power to bear our punishment, and the other demythologized into self-dehumanization and the social miseries of this world.4

Oh that the rising generations would see that the world is not overrun with a sense of seriousness about God. There is no surplus in the church of a sense of God’s glory. There is no excess of earnestness in the church about heaven and hell and sin and salvation. And therefore the joy of many Christians is paper thin. By the millions people are amusing themselves to death with DVDs, and 107-inch TV screens, and games on their cell phones, and slapstick worship, while the spokesmen of a massive world religion write letters to the West in major publications saying, “The first thing we are calling you to is Islam . . . It is the religion of enjoining the good and forbidding the evil with the hand, tongue and heart. It is the religion of jihad in the way of Allah so that Allah’s Word and religion reign Supreme.”5 And then these spokesmen publicly bless suicide bombers who blow up children in front of Falafel shops and call it the way to paradise. This is the world in which we preach.

And yet incomprehensibly, in this Christ-diminishing, soul-destroying age, books and seminars and divinity schools and church growth specialists are bent on saying to young pastors, “Lighten up.” “Get funny.” “Do something amusing.” To this I ask, Where is the spirit of Jesus? “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:24-25). “If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:29). “Any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:33). “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead” (Matthew 8:22). “Whoever would be first among you must be slave of all” (Mark 10:44). “Fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28). “Some of you they will put to death . . . But not a hair of your head will perish. By your endurance you will gain your lives” (Luke 21:16-19).

Would the church growth counsel to Jesus be, “Lighten up, Jesus. Do something amusing.” And to the young pastor: “Whatever you do, young pastor, don’t be like the Jesus of the Gospels. Lighten up.” From my perspective, which feels very close to eternity these days, that message to pastors sounds increasingly insane.

-John Piper, 2006,
Reflections on the kinds of teaching Produced by the weight of God's glory.

2010-01-21T00:47:00.000+08:00

extremely sad.

leave for church camp and youth camp not approved.
):

i shall turn to the Word of God.

2010-01-20T00:49:00.002+08:00

do i lose myself as i grow older?

yes and no.

yes. because you just lose yourself to whatever happens around you.
you lose yourself to be found in Christ.
and you look back and you wish you never knew the you you were once you.
and you lose to find yourself.

no. because i'm found more and more in Christ. and this i pray with all my heart, even though it is deceitful above all, that Christ increase, and i decrease.

i must sleep soon for if i fail to wake tmr, it would bring disastrous results.

today, i ran again in the rain.
all unplanned, and yet wished for.
so cool.
i really ran and smiled in the rain.
smiles and beams.
felt so so good.
but not very when i realised my shoes were squishy and i had to wash my socks and wet clothes again. and was sad my lovely red shoes were wet.
oh well.

thankfully mum dint see me, or she would have scolded me.

and then things could have a turn of events.
but all for the better, eh?

ephesians tmr.
yay!
(:

highlight of the day!

thank God i got the tutorials that are nice(:
thank You!
and perhaps this sem would not be so bad.
You hold me NOW.
and make my day, every day.
literally.
haha for without You, there wouldn't be a day.

2010-01-19T01:29:00.002+08:00

hand hurts.
left.
hit by ball.
soccer. sunday.

amazing how our brain can string words tog.
but im too tired.
filled with thoughts of indignation and just not knowin what to say or do.

just being human once again, and you wonder why u are so weak.

if i was not so weak
if i was not so cold
if i was not so scared of being broken and spilled over
i would
be frail.

how quickly people turn and disappear.
and you hurt the ones you love the most.
or think that you know all about them, but you probably don't.

how do i reply?

pain.
is not foreign.
but should be present in a life of a christian-one who does follow Jesus.
and not just profess to be.
the fight and battle between flesh and spirit.

luke 9:23.
Deny yourself, take up the cross daily, and follow me.

help me to.
it's so easy to get sucked into meaningless conversations and forget who i'm living for. help me to share and tell people about you. fearlessly, lovingly, courageously, wisely.

and everything else.

i'm tired.

2010-01-17T01:21:00.002+08:00

i can't believe one week went past like that.
and i'm suddenly caught with dread and perhaps some fear.

looks at you with beseeching eyes.

i shan't.
and i won't let my thoughts and dread get me down.

could it be just not being able to perform well again?
and just having the furrowed brows turned up at you,
and the feeling just sucks.

no no.
i'm not going to let it gt me down.
just do my best.
how conflicted i can feel.

i haven't packed my bag for tmr.
i haven't finished my cell work for tmr.
i haven't looked thru my lecture notes for the week.
yikes.

stop.

i don't know wad to do.
but stop wasting time typing this and do your work.

2010-01-16T03:00:00.002+08:00

happy birthday joel koh(:
for being my brother 25 years and counting, God bless u!
(even though u might not be able to see this.)
you are someone whom i look up to a lot.
and your words mean so much to me.
seeing you sing and make funny comments,
and being so frenly, and so encouraging of me playing soccer, it makes a whole lot of difference. especially when i feel so terrible after every soccer match. just hearing you say, "just keep playing, will get better one." means so much to me.

and chin said,
"celebrate the 26th year coming on."
i just realised we celebrate the 25 years he has lived, and he now is moving on to his 26th. made me realise, we celebrate the number of years someone has lived, and not the 25th year of his life. that is alr over and gone. if u get what im trying to say. it kinda means like we are one year older den we think we are.

and then i think,
how have i lived my life for you?
and i cannot celebrate it if i know i have wasted my life away.
it would only bring grief and weeping if i hadn't given you all that i am and have.
but then, nothing comes from me.
even the very breath that i have.
everything comes from You.
You, Jesus, whom everything came to be, and exist for.

where would i be without You
here in my life

You are my freedom,
Jesus You're the reason
I'm kneeling again at Your throne

someone once told me not to do kneeling songs.
how can i try not to?
it's just the overflow of everything that i have experienced, and just yearning for everyone else to just fall on their knees in no pretense and worship our Creator God. the Holy One.

somehow, i just feel silence once again.
i'm not going to step back into those dreary or perhaps, more thoughtful moments, but it just saddens me that sometimes everything is taken for granted, and at the end of the day, we always go after the things that either we can't have, or don't need, and then fall short again and start feeling miserable.

a chasing after the wind.

open up my eyes, and help me see what is present now.
and not waste my time dreaming of what ifs and could have beens.
turn my feelings and emotions away from myself. selfish one.
and back to You-the author and perfector of faith.
in whom all things exist and have their being.

one day i'll play my song and sing down streets of who You are
one day i'll turn my eyes to the fields and say with glee, "the harvest is here!"
one day i'll walk down the aisle with You in my heart, full of every emotion i could ever have
one day i'll live day to day just being contented to serve and nurse the broken back to health
one day i'll sing with joy with chains in my hands
one day i'll smile and cry and fall at Your feet

one day

if i could write down every thought i have and sing them into a love song.

how do i give my life to You?
how can i love You more?
i'm afraid i can't.
only You can help me to love You.

keep me broken and contrite i pray.

2010-01-15T01:53:00.003+08:00

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ,
just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him in love,
having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will,
to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace which He made to abound towards us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself, that in the dispensation of the fullness of the times He might gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and are on earth-in Him.

Ephesians chapter 1, verses 3-10.

if only i could speak about Christ like how Paul did.
in Christ. in Him.
Paul was obsessed bout Jesus. for lack of a better word, obsessed. mad. crazy.
about Jesus.
indeed. only by Jesus, Him alone, and what He did, that we are who we are today. I am who i am today.
how can i ever comprehend it all?

i really am left speechless.
i want to speak about You like how Paul did.
rave about You.
love You so much more.

help me.

last night was an impulsive night.
snipped off my hair in the shower.
overcut. and the hairdresser was so not pleased about it.
he told me never to cut my hair anyhow again.
oops.
trimmed it for me.
now i have bangs.
first time.
ask me why i want bangs.
for few reasons.
-balding. bad hair days. bored with my hair.

and then i realised how sometimes things like tt are so centered on self.
forgive me Lord.

may my face and this body of mine ever point to You and You alone.
may it shine forth the glory of the Lord Jesus Christ,
the love and humility and compassion He had,
to have brokenness in my eyes,
humility in my heart,
gentleness in my touch,
wisdom in my speech,
patience in my attitude,
and everything else that would say: Jesus! and naught be all else to me.

change my heart O God, make it ever true.
change my heart O God, may i be like You.

How can i say thanks for the things
You have done for me
things so undeserved, that You came to prove Your love for me
the voices of a million angels
could not express my gratitude
all that i am and evermore to be
i owe it all to Thee

To God be the glory
To God be the glory
To God be the glory
for great things He hath done
with His blood He has saved me
with His power He has raised me
To God be the glory
for the things He has done

Just let me live my life
let it be pleasing unto Thee
and should i gain any praise
let it go to Calvary

Soli Deo Gloria!

2010-01-12T17:30:00.002+08:00

it felt so nice to run in the rain though i was soaked.

she stared at the dark clouds that loomed ahead in the distance.
lifting her eyes, she still saw clear skies and blue gazing at her.
'it won't rain.'
stretching herself, she turned and glanced at the group of people jogging in the distance.
she would take the less-treaded path today. and hope she would not get caught in the rain.
setting off at a comfortable pace, trees passed her, bending and greeting her with their leaves and whispers. the flowers added beauty to the run.
she looked up and pondered once again at the beauty around her, wishing for an instant she could sing and speak aloud to someone.
tell them about the beauty all around.
the skies seemed to be clearing up, and the artistry overhead was breathtaking.

she then reached a part of the beach.
standing there, the sea seemed to beckon, with its waves, and looking across the other side, it seemed to be pouring.
hesitating, she stood and glanced around, ensuring no one was there,
before reaching out both arms and throwing her face to the sky.
she embraced the wind and the sea and the salt.
she thought back of the moments when she last ran in the rain, or felt the sea wind in her face, enjoying every minute of it with him. it now seemed so surreal. she smiled and set her face against the wind. it was gone, but she knew she had cherished the moments.
turning back, she started jogging again.
this time, the wind blowing her on.
then, it started to drizzle.
for that brief moment while she stood admiring the scenery, it had almost seemed so precious.
now, the rain bidded her home.
every step got wetter.
as people started to head for shelter, she felt their stares as she ran on, resisting the urge to run and laugh and sing.
the rain!
what bliss!
the rain was cool to her skin and it just felt so good.
laughin and smiling to herself, she ran home.

thank you for the rain.

and with it, my heart, and my thoughts.
words that cannot express what i'm feeling.
exploding as one might put it.
pensive and grateful, to be more apt.

thank you for the reminder of your love.

2010-01-12T00:58:00.002+08:00

why is it that i spend so much time doing things of worthless value and lesser on things of eternal value.

i need You to help me deal with that.

and the "i want to do this." and "that." in my head.
i think i can never accomplish enough.
thankfully i don't have to work out my salvation with good works.
it was all done and finished on the Mighty Cross.

how can i say thank You enough?
i can only fall on my knees.

and i thought i was free-er than before.
but i look at my timetable now with tutorials which stupid me forgot to include previously and i once again stand corrected and sorrowful.

You said there would be trouble in the world.
but Peace, you will give. not as the world understands it.
but how You and your word defines it.

so i shall run to you like a child of 3 into Your arms that human minds can never understand.

dang. its 1am. there goes my resolution to sleep before 1am.

i need You more than ever.

2010-01-10T20:55:00.003+08:00

like a rose
trampled on the ground
You took the fall
and thought of me
above all

and i finally grasped perhaps the first bit of 2010.
a new year has already begun.
what was permissible in 2009, cannot be the same for 2010.

and that means getting things right at home.
that s the hardest place to settle things sometimes.
and yet, it's where your ugliest side comes out.

am i happy with my life like this?
i feel like a failure.

words uttered that cut me through.
words and emotions written on faces cut the deepest.
i just realised today once again.

i wish i wasn't how i was sometimes,
it would be much easier.
the mouth is a sword.
the tongue mightier than the pen and the sword.
indeed, who can tame the tongue?
it is a flaming fire, a restless evil.

and i look ahead, into the new sem.
breathes in deep.
but i remember
You are El Elyon, and El Shaddai.
God Most High and God Almighty.
Definition El Shaddai:
1.he who holds sway over all things
2.the ruler of all
3.almighty: God

for a pure heart.
one that desires after You, and the things of Yours.
to keep my eyes focused upon You,
and not be distracted by any other thing.

and i havent penned down my goals. but have them in my mind.

but i desire most of all,
to love You above all else.
may it never be that i would forsake You and Your ways.
thank You for the grace and faith that You gave to me.

to please You in every way.

let my life be pleasing and worthy of Your calling Lord.

into Your arms
i'm drawing near again
to dwell with You
is my only heart's desire
all i can do
is fall on my knees and cry
cleanse me with fire
and purify my heart

draw me close
closer than before
closer than i've ever been

There is a God who loves me
Who wraps me in His arms
That is the place where I'm changed
And that's where I belong

Take me to that place, Lord
To that secret place where
I can be with You
You can make me like You
Wrap me in Your arms
Wrap me in Your arms
Wrap me in Your arms

2010-01-06T23:29:00.002+08:00

I love the way Jodi Picoult describes nurses.

An oncology ward is a battlefield, and there are definite hierarchies of command. The patients, they're the ones doing the tour of duty. The doctors breeze in and out like conquering heroes, but they need to read your child's chart to remember where they've left off from the previous visit. It is the nurses who are the seasoned sergeants - the ones who are there when your baby is shaking with such a high fever she needs to be bathed in ice, the ones who can teach you how to flush a central venous catheter, or suggest which patient floor kitchens might still have popsicles left to be stolen, or tell you which dry cleaners know how to remove stains of blood and chemotherapies from clothing. The nurses know the name of your daughter's stuffed walrus and show her how to make tissue paper flowers to twine around her IV stand. The doctors may be mapping out the war games, but it is the nurses who make the conflict bearable.

- Jodi Picoult in My Sister's Keeper

beauty is all around.
but do we see it?
it was a nice break to just run and look at the sky and trees and flowers.
constant songs and tunes in my mind.
and i know it's You who created everything.

so amazing.
let me revel in that simple truth.

whilst im plagued by bidding. but i shan't be.
shall just leave it be.
not be bothered by it.
maybe it's good to not have any mods this sem.
just conc on getting to know You and other ppl more.

guide me, teach me, lead me please.

2010-01-04T03:52:00.002+08:00

i can't sleep.
and i shall seek Your face alone.

tell me, and burden my heart with what is on Yours.
that i shall be broken once again this year.
for You Lord.
for You.

i fall at Your feet.

again, i wrestle with the sinful desires.
wrestle with my heart.
die.

what language shall i borrow to thank Thee, my dearest friend?
be Thou near to me
Lord i pray.
calm my troubled, and satisfy my thirsty heart.
You are all that matters.

2010-01-04T01:20:00.004+08:00

i cannot believe it's the new year.
and it's already the 4th of jan.
i am in utter disbelief.

haven't blogged much.
but i feel so so much.
and its hard to put down in words.
perhaps a song or random scriblings might emote and portray clearer what is on my mind?

thank You that You understand my form.
i've come to realise the depravity of a human soul.
the total depravity: the utter despair of not being able to choose good, and choose what is of God.
a depraved soul, cannot, will not, and can never choose God.
nothing good comes out from me.
because i was borne in sin.

and praise the God of Heaven who called me into His glorious riches.

and as i look unto the new year, with all its challenges and upcomings. i pray that i would first of all walk closely with you. and love you and your word, and love others around me.

i will trust in You.
knowin that in You i have everything that i need for life.
let Your grace keep me going.

amazing grace
amazing love.

Sola Fide; by faith alone
Sola Gratia; by grace alone
Sola Christus; in Christ alone
Sola Scriptura; by Scripture alone
Soli Deo Gloria

2009-12-29T01:18:00.002+08:00

Lord my heart cries out,
glory to the King
my greatest love in life
i give You everything
Glory, Glory

and my heart cries out for You,
to search my heart.
what ails me now?
for i am deeply troubled.
seek Your face,
my soul.
Your face i will seek Lord.
test my thoughts,
know my anxious thoughts.

that i may stand worthy,
and be called worthy of Your gospel.
i come to You in fear and trembling,
for You are holy,
so holy.

for Your name is holy,
Holy, Lord.

2009-12-27T17:40:00.003+08:00

suddenly,
its alr christmas, and the end of the year.
i don't want 2010 to come.
arrest all my fears and doubts.

tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
just to take Him at His word

all that happened this year,
(i'm not going to mk any moving speech or sound all emo)
but sighs.
where do i even begin.
i can make no head or tail of whatever that has happend.
just seem to be a really trying year for my heart and my mind.
and Lord,
what faithfulness, and how amazing it is you stand by me all the time.
and how you love me so much.
if it weren't for you, i would have lost my mind.
and you are going to be my sanity for the rest of the year and all that is to come.
the rest of my life probably.
haha definitely the rest of my life.

and i'm at a loss for words.
God, be my everything.

another phase that has come and gone.
oh my dearest 921,
i somehow wish i could see you in my dreams or smth.
haha but im being soo stupid.
hahahahaha it'll prob nv come true.
SYIDA AND SUKMA,
i miss youu)):
i miss running for call bells, and just doing stuff, even though i just get so tired out at the end.

i feel like running now.

Jesus, let me live for you please.

2009-12-13T23:01:00.002+08:00

angie's fb post:

never enough.
Yesterday at 11:06pm
wrote this yesterday. its kinda long, heh.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ive got clinical practicum 2.1 stuff like the reflections to do but i didnt feel like doing them yet.
so i stoned.
and ended up reflecting in my head but not penning my thoughts down.

i was just thinking about how clinicals has been so far.
and got bored.
so i went to find my best friend in the virtual world for some amusement and enlightenment.

the name is google.
i googled something about surviving in nursing school.
and found some blog posts and forums
some of which referred to nursing school as NS, i wonder why hurh hurh.

i wasnt really amused or entertained by what i read, but enlightened and inspired, yes.

decided to collate some and hopefully it'll help, especially for those who may feel like theres nothing we can do or like we did nothing in the ward this first week. or for those who feel like they are dying for various reasons.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
survival tips! not in any particular order.

1. start developing a thick skin and ask a lot of questions. nurses at clinical areas expect you to ask questions so ask until you understand something.

hah i do feel like some irritating bug when i keep asking questions but i guess, if we dont ask, they wont know we dont know and we may never learn. i guess thats what the thick skin is for too, so you arent bothered about being irritating :S

2. jump at any opportunity to do a skill even if you have done it a million times already. you can never practice enough.

this really struck me. coz i admit, i find myself running away from things like diaper changing, bed making and taking of parameters coz im so sian of them alr. but come to think of it, i obviously dont have enough practice because i still have difficulty changing diapers and bed linen at the same time. we nus students struggle with such a basic thing and when the ite students/en/staff nurse/SISTER come to assist us, everything gets done so smoothly and quickly. such a shame.

3. don't pass up opportunities to perform skills. even if you fail at something, your confidence level will be higher just for having tried. you may never get another chance to perform that particular skill again until you start working as a nurse.

i like the second statement. true, its better to try and fail than to not try at all. and when you fail, there are lessons to be learnt from it! and the last sentence struck me again. we know how hard it is to sign off certain skills coz theres just so little opportunity to do it. and i will just die if i have to perform the skill as a staff nurse next time after having performed it like just a few times as a student, omg.

4. learn quickly that there are two ways of doing things: the textbook way and the real world way. you can learn about what NOT to do just as much as you can about WHAT to do. try to understand why things are done and not just how they are done.

true, i know that certain practices as described in textbooks are not practical in reality but im still trying to fully accept this. hah the idealistic part of me still refuses to accept that certain things cannot be the way they should be. but hm, important thing is that the basic principle is still there i guess. ohwells hah.

5. make yourself useful to nurses. when you clean patients up, run errands, etc... you win them over and free time up for them to spend helping you learn.

6. accept that you will be stressed and fatigue. this is how nursing school is, and how nursing is as well. accept that you will never know it all and it certainly will not help to act like you do.

hahah accepted, before i even entered nursing haha. and far from knowing it all man. but i cant say that its because im just a student..

7. never say i'm just a student. be proud of what you are doing because not everyone can do it. not everyone is cut out to be a nurse so this is where you find out if you are or not. no shame in moving on if you find out you are not cut out to be one.

8. nursing school is difficult but doable! never give up, believe in yourself. nursing school is an experience that will never come again so have fun with the learning and don't be afraid to be goofy and light hearted.

9. eat healthily and try to find time to exersise. get as much sleep as possible.

haha actually i think no need to find more time to exercise. our legs definitely get the work out walking and standing for 8 hours straight. arms get it from lifting and turning patients. and we do literally sweat in the wards! hah.. and sleep as much as possible? thats what day offs are for mans haha.

10. try to have one or two people in your class who you can really count one, someone who you can call any time of the day or night and just vent, someone who you feel comfortable around. besides your friends in nursing school and other nurses, no one else understands what you're going through. and really, who else will gladly hear your stories about sputum, urine and bowels? but at the same time, don't become too emotionally dependent on them.

:) im around if anyone needs a venting avenue! and thank you to those who listened to my vents heh. and true, i think no one really understands what we are going through except those who go through it with us :)

11. you need dedication. and passion.

***end.

and i find myself falling from grace.
and losing myself once again.
but You hold me.
and remind me of your great love.
even as Christmas draws near.
and i just wonder to myself again.

desperate for a vacation.
a run-away from here.
let me just finish this week.
five days.
and let me not see any more cute guys.
it just makes me depressed to know he's flown back to jakarta.
and he doesn't even know my name.
HAHA.

i can so imagine afew ppl chiding me.

and i lost my matric card.
can't believe it.
how dumb can i get.

am i getting lazy or what.

-wrings my hair in fury and utter despair-

God, i need you more than ever.

oh how strong the power of Jesus name
it is stronger than any other name
His grace has welcomed the sinner home
tender mercies lead me to His throne

Hallelujah! what a Saviour!
i owe everything to Him!
Hallelujah! what a Saviour!
Hallelujah to my King!

i will cling to the old rugged cross.

2009-12-07T22:58:00.003+08:00

talking and yelling and screaming without words.
unheard thoughts and cryings.
inability to breathe amidst the struggles.
accusations that are true and cut straight into the heart.
jokes and laughter that hurt.
piercings and scraping of the skin.
writhe in dreams and nightmares.
unrestrained emotions.

my righteousness are but filthy rags.
you throw accusations out again and again.
you do not know how much it hurts.
i hate you.
and i hate you.
why won't you die.
and leave me alone?

be whipped.
scourged.
lashed.
slapped.
mocked.
sneered.
jeered.

i wish i could do that a hundered times over.

and after some sleep tonight,
i would wake up and not feel any of these any longer
and think to myself.
it's all just a bad dream.
it never happened.

"do not let the sun go down with your anger; you are giving a foothold to the devil."

help me.
i do not know what else to do.
the sun has gone down a long time ago.
i only think of unread thoughts to solve these.
and they shame me.
i'm not worthy to be called.

did i ask for a breaking again?
did i pray for humility?
seek for Christ to love and change this wretched soul?

please,

2009-12-02T01:52:00.003+08:00

my cousin's getting married!
how exciting!
and she's putting this smurf on her car. my mum sewed its wedding gown. so pretty.

and it's back to the wards and meeting patients and getting the opportunity to share God's love once again(:

though its going to be so tiring.

God, be my everything.

thank you for seeing me through my exams

2009-12-02T00:50:00.000+08:00

Just as I Am, Without One Plea
By: Charlotte Elliott
Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidd’st me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just a I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

2009-11-29T22:53:00.002+08:00

the upward call is higher every day.

nothing will get easier.

looking at the circumstance will not change anything.
going for retreat or weekends away will not change anything.

unless i look to Yahweh.
to the God who holds everything.
and is in control.

i thank God for time to have caught up with di.

-laughs derisively
an F for pharmaco test 3.

tell me what does this world has for me
but bleakness and death?

that i may be found only in You.
and glory in the power of the Cross.